Well...

Being home alone is idk...

Gets me emo i guess...

Or maybe i was already emo...

Can't really remember...

I wanted so badly to be more...

I tried so hard to be more...

I want to be more...

Than just your bro...

I want to be that special someone to you...

I know I'm greedy...

But I can't help feeling this way...

What would it take me to change your mind?

I'd do anything...

Anything at all...

And...

Am I not trustworthy?

Am I even a close friend?

Why is it that I tell you all my feelings and secrets...

But I'm always kept in the dark from all of yours?

I'm tired...

I wanna be a good friend...

A close friend...

But what am I now really?

Can one of you all tell me?

Maybe my existence is just an extra.

Without me everything'd be fine and better?

I really don't know who else i can fall back on...

Didn't realise that it's been one month since i last posted anything.

Well 2 weeks actually cause the last 2 weeks was in Tekong...

Well lots of stuffs happened...

Letters from me to her and to me again...

We're finally back to normal again...

I should be happy right?

But noo...

I'm a greedy bastard...

I want more...

I want to be beside her every second,every minute...

Sighs

Sucks

Suck

Suck

Suck

Hate missing u

Seems like i was the only one who didn't want things to end this way...

U had no problem at all...

I feel dumb...

Thinking of all those things i wanted to say...

Thinking of u all this while...

While u have someone else on ur mind...

I feel retarded...

I should have known when to give up...

fml...

Weekend was kinda wasted...

Totally didn't have the mood to study...

With the end of As coming closer and closer...

I find myself thinking of u even more...

Is everything gonna end this way?

Will there be no after?

Are we gonna go our separate ways?

I don't want that...

Should i write that letter and give it to u?

I'm not scared of giving it to u...

I have the courage to do crazy stuffs...

But the only thing i'm scared of...

Is how u'd react after reading the letter...

But if i don't give u the letter...

Then things are really gonna end like this...

I don't know what i should do...

Sigh...

I keep having simulations about the scenarios...

And i'd imagine us together...

What a loser eh?

I could only find the answer to happiness...

From my own delusions...

What a sucker...

Why are u so cold to me.................

Another sucky day i'd say...

Physics paper...

Was relatively easy...

But i didn't finish the SPA Planning...

Even though i know how to do it...

Sigh...

And diffraction came out...

Again?

Like in every paper 2 i do...

Always have diffraction...

And this sucks much...

I couldn't remember the definitions i tried to memorise...

And explanation questions...

And suggestion questions...

They suck...

Or maybe it's me who suck yea?

I should redefine my self esteem soon...

My underestimation of myself is still an overestimation of my capabilities

Maybe i'm just not cut out for this...

I'm a disappointment...To both my parents and myself...

And now after this i'm gonna put an extra burden on them...

Cause i'm pretty much sure my results won't allow me to go into NUS or NTU or SMU...

So i'll have to go overseas or go into a private uni...

I'm sorry...

For everything...

To everyone...

Sigh...

Feeling sucky...

Haven't been able to sleep well lately...

And all i can think about through he long nights...

Was u...

And i can't help but wonder...

Have i lost every meaning to u?

When i was there talking with Shu Li...

U didn't even look at me...

Let alone talk to me...

And the first words that came out...

Was asking about someone else...

I'm tired...

And no one seems to understand me huh.

Well they don't even bother with me after school ends anyway...

No one asks to see how i'm doing...

Well i may look happy for the most part in school...

But once i reach home...

It's hell...

I'm breaking down...

The thoughts of my efforts going down the drain...

And the thoughts of me meaning nothing to u...

They drive me crazy...

I just need someone to tell me...

I know that u've been bottling things up. What's wrong with u? Share with me.

Too bad i don't have such a person...

And why am i always misunderstood?

I try to cheer up people...

I really care about them...

And all i get in return are words of sarcasm...

And telling me to stay away...

Why do they think that i'm just pretending to be nice...

Or think that i'm a busybody...

I just don't want them to feel the same way i do...

Sigh...

I saw this show on Chn 5...

It's so coincidental?

This guy couldn't let go of his love...

Haha really sounds like me eh?

Even the girl's name is Audrey...

Sigh...

And what he said...

Was what i said...

Well...

The bomb dropped...

When i told Jess about my dream...

She said that maybe it's possible...

Well I didn't really tell her the details...

But what i saw was...

You and I...

Together...

And we were back in Indo...

But now...

After the enlistment letter came...

And it said 9th dec...

All hopes of that dream becoming reality is dashed...

We don't even have time to go to Indo...

So...

Guess that was just a dream dream eh?

Not a premonition kind of dream...

Sigh...

When i really think of everything...

Sometimes i feel that it would have been better if i kept my distance right from the start...

Of course i wouldn't know what it means to really love someone then...

I would only have crushes and "like" others...

It really felt nice loving u...

But though the price for realising that now is quite extreme...

When I was ignored by Jia Min then...

U were there for me...

But now...

When u're ignoring me...

No one's here by my side...

Why?

I just realised...

U...

Who always didn't seem to mind what others say...

Started taking into consideration their comments...

Why?

Is it because u have someone else?

That u dun want the rumours to jeopardise ur relationship?

Sigh...

This fucking sucks...

Today fucking sucked...

Sigh...

All i could do...

Was lie down and reminisce...

How i missed those days...

I remembered i would wait for u after class...

And we would always take the long route home...

I'd send u home...

And reach home late...

I talked to u about all the problems i could possibly have...

Because no matter what problems i have...

I'd feel like everything will be fine with u around...

You're the only one i ever told...

Because even though i am a colossal loser...

U'd still accept me all the same...

Despite my insecurities...

And all my stupid fucking decisions...

You never once judged me...

So i told u it all...

How i was having problem with my family...

How i was having problem blending in with the class...

How i had a crush on Jia Min...

As time passed...

And the stories changed...

You still sat and listened to every word...

Why did u have to leave?

I still had so much to tell u...

I thought that...

It'd be alright...

It'd be just the usual thing...

U ignoring me for a while...

And then everything would just fall back into place...

But no...

This time...

U left me for good...

U didn't come back for me...

Why do i always do everything wrong...

Why was i so inattentive a friend...

And why did i only start missing u...

After i learned i want to see u again...........

So u won't even care and ask now

U must find me to be a bother

A weakling who cant stand straight on his own

But how could i help it?

I'm but a helpless person without u

A lame person without his walking stick

I went missing and no one asked anything

What is the fucking point in me living?

So much things to write...

Mind's in a complete mess...

Can't really write everything out...

How long has it been?

Since we really talked...

Since we laughed together?

Since i was still ur bro?

I really dont know where to go...

I can't keep this mask on for long...

Having to act normally in front of everyone...

My tear ducts and glands may be spoiled...

But it doesn't mean that i can't feel these heartaches...

God...

Why God?

What did I do?

Have I committed sins so grave that I deserve to be treated this way?

Then what about corrupted government officials who left others for dead?

Time after time...

These kept on happening to me...

Why?

Is all that I can say...

I've got too much things to ask...

That I don't even know where to begin...

Why...

I care so much about her...

Yet here I am...

Left alone...

Not even considered as one of her close friends anymore...

Why?

Why did everything turn this way?

Well...

I was happy yesterday...

That was until today...

The smallest actions u do towards me...

Will always make me happy...

Like how u woke me up yesterday when i was sleeping in the library...

Doesn't it show that u at least still had a tiny fragment of concern for me?

But today...

I found out...

That maybe u don't know that I'll always be there for u...

U should have told me if there were problems...

I'll fly straight away...

Just to catch u before u fall...

No matter where I am and what I am doing...

It saddens me that I'm not in ur mind...

But what saddens me even more...

Is seeing u unhappy...

I'd do anything just to make u smile...

So find me if there's anything...

I'll gladly be ur punching bag...

If it's to put those sweet smile back on ur pretty face...

But well...

Maybe u have Melvin and u don't need me anyway...

No matter how much of these love mangas i read...

I just cant get enough...

They are more than just mere mangas...

All the situations that happened...

I kinda hope that it will happen to me...

Why can't it be like that for me?

As i read on...

And reached the ending...

My vision blurred...

Heh...

It sucks to be me...

If only i was just born as a manga character...

And not as a real human...

Couldn't u even give me a smile?

Would it hurt to treat me nicer?

It's not that I'm hoping that u do something that's not u...

That'd be out of point...

Cos after all if that's what i want...

U'd be another completely different person...

But...

U did it before...

U would reply kindly and sweetly...

A long time ago...

But now...

I don't even mean much to u do i?

That u won't even reply my smses...

That u won't even give me a smile...

That u won't even try to maintain the conversation...

But even after all this...

I realise that u still are and always will be...

The most important person to me...

Just seeing ur smile on that graduation day photo...

Brought a big real smile behind my usual mask...

I just want u to treat me like how u did...

That's all i ask...

Is it too much to ask?

Is it too difficult to ask?

Well it's ur choice though...

No matter what...

Whatever ur choice is...

As long as u're happy...

It's enough for me...

God...

I know i haven't been the best of Your followers...

I denied u...

I hated u...

I questioned Your existence...

I did things You deemed as sins...

But still...

If You would hear me...

And just grant me this one wish of mine...

Please...

Please just let her be happy...

Of course it'd be nice if it were me who could do that...

And put that smile on her face...

But...

That doesn't matter...

Just let her feel joy...

I don't care if it comes from however big of a sacrifice i have to make...

I just want her smile to stay on her face...

Sighs

Time for me to whine again...

This feeling just wont go away...

This bloody sorrow...

Yeah,managed to keep myself laughing in school...

But...

How long will i last?

With every passing day...

It gets harder to keep that smile on my face...

It's fading...

And no one noticed that tinge of sadness...

Guess everyone's just too busy with studies...

Or maybe they don't even care...

Or maybe they don't even notice cause i'm insignificant...

The only company i have...

Is my shadow...

I'm going crazy...

I hate everything...

U're affecting me way too much...

I see everyone starting to change...

Even those who usually slack...

They're starting to pick up and catch up...

And i'm left behind...

I want to start...

But u're invading my mind constantly...

Can't focus...

Even though i realise that i'm still ignorant and that i don't understand stuffs...

Where did that sense of fear and urgency in me went off to?

When u've seen the worst side of people and life,

Nothing scares u anymore ~ Albert Ardy Gunawan

Life is ugly...

No one cares...

I'm just really so sick of this

Tell me someone

What should i do?

But guess i have no one to turn to...

Everyone's too busy with their own lives

Yes, to them i'm nth more than an insignificant speck of dust

I'm tired

I really felt like slashing my wrist

But i resisted

Yeah call me a coward if u will

A coward who only talks about empty suicide

I do have a good reason to cling on to

And if u want to ostracise me,pls,go ahead

By all means

I dont have to explain to u what my reasons are for clinging on

Guess the only person i can depend on for me to pull through is me again

It's getting unbearably lonely...

How many more times do u want to be unfair to me,o life?

How many more times do i have to feel like this?

Seriously fuck this

And just when i got the studying momentum

Sigh...

What do i lack?

Height?

Slimness?

Happy looks?

Apathy?

When i asked u out,to study,not even play...

U refused me outrightly...

And now...

Melvin/ Melvin&Thomas asked u out...

U agreed...

To play nevertheless...

Really...

Just..

What am I?

A toy?

Now that u've outgrown playing with me u throw me away...

Really...

Do u know how much i wanted to hang out with u?

Yet u didnt grant me that chance...

U cast me away...

Do u know how much it hurts just watching and standing idly by while i'm trapped by helplessness?

There's just too many things that i cant even begin to express in words...

Hate.

Jealousy.

Rage.

Sorrow.

Everything's coming together.

I really ought to die...

I tell myself to not think of u but yet i keep reminding myself of the memories we shared at every chance i have...

Everything they all talk about i could somehow find a way to relate it to u...

Well i seriously miss u...

Ur laughter...

The weird things u do...

And every aspect of u...

Even ur unpredictability...

That i couldn't quite figure out...

Surprising me in unimaginable ways...

Like how u'd just ask me out out of nowhere even when we havent been talking for so long...

So tell me...

Was that msg one of ur unpredictabilities?

Cos i'm still holding on to that tiny bit of hope...

Hoping that maybe it was actually u who sent the msg...

But...

If it was just my wishful thinking...

Then just tell me so too...

Deal me the finishing blow...

Don't leave me hanging...

My arms are tired of only waiting to let go...

Feeling really crappy today...

It's affecting me in so many different ways...

I don't know what to feel...

I'm pissed at whoever sent that msg...

I'm sad cause it wasn't true...

I'm disappointed at myself for being dumb for believing that msg...

I'm hopeful,wishing that it will come true...

And many more emotions...

In short...

I'm confused...

And it's really taking a toll on my attention...

I feel like screaming...

To let it all out...

But where can i find a place that will allow me to scream alone?

I feel like punching someone or something...

But where can i find a non-innocent target?

I feel like dying...

This one is self explanatory isn't it?

Living is too painful...

I'm really stupid beyond help

Of course u wouldn't even dream of sending me that kind of msg

Look at me

I'm...

NOTHING...

But still...

I fell for it...

A glimmer of hope or so i thought...

I couldn't help but feel excited at the possibility that it may be true...

That maybe...

U realised how important i was...

But yeah...

In the end i was too foolish..

It was a msg someone else sent using ur phone...

And look at how jumpy it got me...

Now i just feel dumb...

And sucky...

It feels like a dagger is being plunged deep into my heart...

I teared...

Sighs...

Maybe I'm stupid enough to not know when to give up, too dumb to let go, but I'm not foolish enough to not know that I love u

Sighs...

Reaching home early...

Without anymore stress about prelims...

Is in fact worse...

Even though I had to slog hard during prelims...

At least they diverted my attention away from thoughts of u...

But now that I'm all here alone...

With nothing to do...

U keep popping up in my head...

I msged u ytd...

But ur replies were "okay.haha" or "nah.haha."

What am i supposed to reply back?

And u dont wanna study with me anymore...

Sighs...

Maybe u don't need me in ur life...

But I definitely need u in mine...

U take away all my anxieties just by being around...

When u're there...

I know that everything's gonna be fine...

It hurts...

My heart feels like it's being pricked by many needles...

Sighs...

Maybe i held on too tight...

But I'm a mere human being...

An existence enshrouded by anxiety, worries and fears...

I didn't mean to hurt...

Just to put u first...

I was scared...

Scared of...

Losing u...

Of being far away from u...

Of something happening to u...

I want to chat with u again...

Like how we used to...

Sitting under the void deck...

Ranting and talking randomly for hours...

Then I'd send u back home...

I...

Love u...

More than words can ever describe...

Cant stay for long...
Maths paper tmr morning...
Seriously,life's a bitch...

Just when things pick up and i enjoy that small little bit of happiness,

It takes a 180 degree toll on me...

It's like...

Every little bit of joy...

Is a step for me to fall further into despair...

Well whatever...

Been a while since my last post eh?

Stuffs happened...

I had my share of joy,laughs and fun...

But now I'm back here to let go of my sorrow

Looking back at what happened, and things the way they are now...

It all seemed like an illusion...

I could msg u again...

U went to my house to study with me...

And u invited me to go to Malaysia with u...

It all seemed too good to be true...

I knew that eventually we would stop talking again...

But then,all I thought about was just spending every moment fully...

I don't know...

I'm having troubles explaining how I feel right now...

It's too much for mere words to describe...

I didn't realise that the day when everything turned back would come so fast...

Now we're barely even talking again...

I just don't know...

U apologised and asked me if i feel offended on Monday...

Well i wasn't...

After all,i don't have a right to be offended...

I know ur friends are important to u...

And i'm less important compared to them...

Maybe just sad...

But u don't need to apologise...

I don't wanna be a source of worry and restriction to u...

Most importantly,i don't want u to feel bad because of me...

It's enough that i'm the only one who suffers...

I can take it all...

Cause what u gave me were priceless...

So i'm willing to pay this price...

Even f it takes forever...

Just be happy :)

It's a good enough way to repay me...

Guess i'm a weird guy...

I get sad when i'm ignored...

And when she showed concern...

I get sad too...

I was happy when i saw that i might get to dance with u...

But must u avoid me deliberately like that?

Am i so hard to look at?

That u have to change ur partner to avoid me...

Or that u detest me so much as to do that?

Yeah,i admit,i may seem like a stalker,i waited for u everyday,asked u about what u were doing and other things related to u...

But i did all those because i really care for u and u mean so much to me...

Sighs...

What happened to us?

What about the memories we shared?

The way u act now makes it seems like everything was a mere dream...

Tell me that's not true...

I wanna go back to how we used to be...

Full Metal Alchemist

Edward Elric

Law of Equivalent Trade

"I'll give u half of my life,so give me half of urs"

Hahah...

If only i could just say that too...

Sighs...

Staying at home doing nothing has really got me thinking...

Of nonsense i should say...

But maybe...

Not all of it is bullshit...

Sighs...

So i'm just so insignificant huh?

Yea...

One day of absence...

No one cared...

No one even bothered to ask...

Just how am i different to the others?

Haha...

How could such a fairy tale exist?

One with the same opening and storyline as mine but with a happy ending...

Allister(if that's how his name is spelled) didn't give up...

Me too...

He smsed her everyday...

So what?

I waited for her day after day...

No matter how long it took...

He got his girlfriend...

I didn't get her...

Why??

Sighs...

Life's so unfair...

Why do u have to constanly laugh at me and make fun of my effort?

Today sucked...

Found out some things on teow's phone that i'd be better off not knowing...

Sigh...

So u msged him when u're bored yesterday...

Out of nowhere...

And not me...

So what am i to u?

I'd been holding onto this thin line on our relationship...

This thin line that said that we're siblings...

And well looks like that line finally snapped...

It couldn't carry the weight of my feelings after all...

Yeah...

Why didn't u find me when u were bored?

What did i exactly do to deserve this?

All i want is to see u happy...

And if possible,be the one who makes u smile...

Guess all my effort is gone...

Because of one small thing...

Sighs...

SO where do i really stand in ur mind now?

Less than a friend?

An acquintance?

I don't even know...

It really felt devastating...

To find that my space has been degraded so much...

I just wanted to disappear...

Didn't feel like going for frisbee or movie anymore...

But in the end decided to go...

Didn't want to pull everyone's mood down along with mine...

Sighs it's hard to think of others even when i can barely hold on...

But if i didn't think of them it wouldn't be me i guess...

It was tiring...

Having to smile...

To please everyone...

Even when i feel shitty inside...

Sometimes i wish i wasn't born too caring and sensitive to others...

It would have been best if i didnt exist from the start...

Sighs...

Well i guess love has a jacked up notion of happiness for some...

No pain no gain?

But haven't i suffered enough?

I saw u waking out of school...

Quickened my pace to catch up with u...

But I did that...

Just to get ignored huh?

I should've known...

Ur friends are more important than me I guess...

They disturb u and?

U cant talk to me?

It's only a matter of wanting to or otherwise...

If I'm important to u then u'd dismiss their silly remarks...

I've had enough

I'm sick of listening to excuses

Just leave me alone

Everyone's that way...

After all I'm just a substitute aren't I?

A substitute for everyone's close friends and families

I'm only needed when all of u have favours to ask

Then I'm cast aside without much thought

But the idiot who continuously believed...

Was me myself...

I just don't seem to learn...

That dreams don't come true because they are called dreams...

They don't come ture

Even for those who yearn for it for years

Yet i still put on that smile...

Waiting patiently...

Just to get hurt time and again...

With each new smile I put on,

The pain grew...

Behind every one of my smiles...

Lie a sad story...

Ah teow is so lucky...

Someone is willing to concern herself with him...

Well i can tell that she likes him...

Maybe she said what she said because a levels is coming...

And that she doesn't want it to affect her...

But now he finds her irritating...

Say that she concerning herself too much after she told him she doesn't like him...

Even if she is over concerned...

It's still better than being alone all the time...

Without anyone caring for u at all...

Just like how I am now...

Sigh...

People should appreciate what they have instead of complaining about it as not everyone can have it...

Sighs...

If only YOU would go to that extent for me...

I dreamt...

Of u...

Now i just can't discern between reality and dreams...

Well i can...

But...

For that while...

I hoped...

It was real...

But i woke up and eveything returned to normal...

In my dream...

Everyone was against me...

I was accused for something which i didn't do...

The whole world stood firm against me...

I broke down...

Kneeling there crying...

Thinking to myself...

Is there anyone who will believe me?

Just as i thought of those words...

U came burstng into the room...

Seeing the state that i was in...

U cried for me...

And hugged me tightly...

I was overjoyed...

Because u still cared...

And u were willing to go to such extent just for me...

For this insignificant person...

I never felt happier in my life before...

Everything seemed so real...

I thought...

I didnt care anymore...

All I wanted then was just to go through every day with u by my side...

But as i stood up...

Everything vanished...

And i woke up...

My eyes were wet...

From tears...

Of happiness...

But in a moment...

I realised what i just experienced was nothing but a mere dream...

Reality cant be that good...

I tried to sleep again...

Wanting to go back to that dream...

But it's just not possible...

Tears trickled down my cheeks again...

This time because of the sadness from realisation...

Everything now is the opposite of that dream...

Why did everything came to this state?

I wanna go back to that dream...

And be with u forever...

Why did i even dream of that dream?

Because it's something that will never happen in real life?

I dreamt of it to satisfy my own emptiness?

But now I just feel more empty...

Now everything is just so screwed up...

Pieces of my heart are scattered everywhere...

I want us to go back to how we were...

When u came to my house on Sat...

There was so many things i wanted to tell u...

But in the end i couldnt bring myself to...

U were just sitting next to me...

I just kept on looking at u...

As i thought...

So far...

Yet so near...

Why?

Why?Why?

Why?Why?Why?

Why?Why?Why?Why?

Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?

Was all that surfaced to my mind...

Can u come back please?

It's just not the same anymore...

My life is different without u...

I'm feeling so lonely in the presence of ur absence...

Please?

Well today was...

Both sucky and great i think...

Everything's turning sour these days...

Not really that much people wished me...

Well i dont really mind that...

It has always been the case since forever...

But what sucked was...

That u were so indifferent...

When it was ur bday...

I wished u through msn, face to face, wrote a card and msged u at 12midnight sharp...

But today u didnt wish me at 12...

When i saw u,u didnt even approach me to wish me...

How long would it take just to give me a simple happy bday wish?

I spent hours looking for a present for u...

But i got nth from u...

It didnt have to be something special or expensive...

A simple birthday card would have sufficed...

After all it's the thought that counts...

But nope...

Nothing...

I'm so dumb...

The one thing i looked forward to the most today was...

Being able to receive a present from u...

No matter how small it is...

How come i'm so small to u...

When u mean everything to me?

Ah and auntie still ignoring me...

I dont even know what i did to her...

She just started ignoring me randomly and "spontaneously"

It hurts...

Well maybe i bore her...

So...

How can i not feel fucked up after all these?

And some other stuffs...

But oh well...

Just decided to let time pass...

Not like my birthday changes anything...

Well i was expecting a celebration from 210

But they dragged it until after sch...

Well I had thought they wouldnt celebrate...

And i didnt really mind anyway...

It's been a tradition for me to quietly spend my bday in loneliness...

But...

They did celebrate for me in the end...

Wouldnt say that it completely lifted my spirits...

I'm still down in the dumps...

But at least i felt better though...

Thx 210 yea?

Even though u wont be able to see this post...

Oh that fucking flirt acted as if he rmb my bday...

Fucking annoying asshole...

It's so obvious he didnt...

And after that kept asking me how many people wish how many people msg...

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

I KNOW THAT U ARE FUCKING POPULAR AND ALL

SO DONT COMPARE ME,AN INSIGNIFICANT LOSER, WITH U

Ah he went off without celebrating my bday with 210

Guess they didnt tell him

Oh well heck

Not that his presence changes anything

Except maybe making me frustrated...

Oh well let me see what i can do to lift my mood up...

For 210's sake

They tried so hard...

They were like today ur birthday dont emo...

Ah guess if worst comes to worst ill just wear a perfectly fake smile with a little bit of realness...

Well what'd make me the happiest is u though...

My bday wish:

Hope i can be with u sighs :(

Fuck life is such a fucking bitch

It just isn't fair

How things are working out for others

But not for me

I really dunno what to do anymore

Im always left alone

And

What the hell did I do?

I didnt do anything to u

As far as I rmb

But u just started ignoring me

For no reason at all

If I did make u angry then tell me

Wts is this

AGH FUCK
FUCK FUCK

*$#&%(@$@)(%*@

%*(#@&%@#*^$&!%#)@!$*@

Uhh yea...

Long weekend...

Not good...

Not productive...

Frustrated...

Lots and lots of time went into thinking about random things...

But eventually u always end up inside...

Forget it...

I give up trying to forget u...

Damn this accursed world...

Sigh...

Well am I even human?

I seem to only have this negative thoughts and air about me...

Maybe I'm an accursed being from hell...

That can't experience even the slightest bit of happiness yea?

Today fucking sucks...

Sigh...

Everyone what Audrey here Audrey there...

And when i was down no less...

Didnt feel like going home...

Decided to take bus home...

Then saw "that" route that we always took...

Unconsciously started walking in that direction...

Had a long walk down memory lane...

All the memories that we shared walking down "that" route came back to me...

I remembered the things we did and talked about...

Why are we this way now?

My heart tightened...

It hurts...

I miss you so much...

If only u'd know...

It's so ironic...

Others know how i feel...

Yet...

U yourself don't know how i feel about you...

Heh i'm a pathetic wreck...

I pledged not to think of u...

To forget u...

But u still linger in my mind from day to day...

And when I'm down...

U're the only one i think of...

How i wish u are here with me right now...

To console me...

Like u always did...

What did i do?

Okay yeah just ignore me for no reason...

Heh i guess i'm really destined to be pawns eh?

When i've served my purpose i'll just be cast aside...

How many more times will this cycle repeat itself?

I never learn...

To trust others again and again...

It's so painful that i should've quiited after once or twice...

But nooooo...

I decided to continue...

Heh i fucking deserve it :) :D

Excess joy brings about tears,excess sorrow brings about laughter

Nothing can be more true than this.

I cried...

and cried...

Until a hole was there...

When it was over...

I found myself laughing really hard...

I'm crazy.

Looked through some old stuff in the com...

Found 3 photos that i forgot we took...

Those were taken during that time u went out a lot with Thomas...

Everyday..

It was Thomas this Thomas that...

And when that time Thomas sad u're his...

I didnt know what to do...

And when u said there was nth between u and him...

U dont know how relieved i was...

I thought...

Maybe...

I still stood a chance...

But now...

Even though Thomas is not there anymore...

What's happening between us?

Sighs...

Do u know?

Not one day has gone past without me thinking about u...

But what about u?

Are u seriously okay with not talking to me at all?

Do i really mean that little to u?

I've got a little bit of motivation to study now...

But as long as my feelings for u and this issue is not resolved...

I will never truly be able to focus on my studies...

So many things i want to tell u...

So many questions i want to ask...

Where,when and how do i start?

I cant bring myself to approach u...

I don't know...

All that i know...

Is that i still care about u...

So much that it hurts...

I'd wait...

No matter how long...

If u'd eventually come around...

But it's just not possible yea?

After all i'm not worth it (:

These few days at home been nth but bullshit...

Havent been able to get much studying done...

Everything's just f-ed up...

I'm getting frustrated easily...

I get that standard empty feeling in my heart again...

No one even bothered to look for me...

Well...

They wont even accept if i asked them out...

Why doesnt anyone live near me?

Why do my house have to be so far away?

If only someone lives near my house...

We could just hang out and maybe study together no?

Cant concentrate when I'm all alone...

Loneliness is too overbearing...

Sigh...

It'd be nice...

If u'd come over...

And sit for a little while with me...

Just like what we used to do...

Or maybe i could go over...

But...

Sighs...

Ah well...

Who could comfort me in my time of needs?

No one's ever there...

I just need someone...

Anyone...

To accompany me...

Friends and Childhood Memories

I knew that it would come sooner or later...

But i just cant bring myself to accept reality...

Life...

Why do u always have to take away people who are important to me?

First was her...

And now Willy...

Soon it's gonna be Wilson...

And then Steven...

Everyone's going away one by one...

It seemed like only yesterday...

That we were kindergarten kids...

Playing around and having fun...

Was all we cared about...

We had sleepovers...

We talked cock...

Shared secrets that only we know...

There were fights here and there...

But eventually we are still the best of friends...

We enjoyed each other's companies throughout these 13 years...

There're no secrets and things that we won't feel comfortable sharing...

I'm happy for u all...

That u all found ur own goals and targets...

I'm wishing all of u the best...

But...

I still can't let go...

It's gonna be hard...

Not being able to see u all for quite some time...

Sure...

There's msn and facebook...

But it's still different...

Why do life have to be so bothersome...

As we grow up...

Why do we have to deal with goodbyes?

If only I could be a child forever...

Living everyday without worries...

Sighs...

Thx for all the memories guys...

U all are the best things that happened to me...

I hope u all achieve all ur targets...

As for me...

I don't know what I can do...

I'm a loser...

But thanks for treating a failure like me so nicely for so long...

Sacrifice and Love

The flirt is such an asshole...

Even after Ling gives him so much...

Even after she tried so hard...
He's still not moved...

And called her irritating...

And said he hate her this kind of girl...

Very irritating to him...

I wanted to smack him...

If someone were to give up everything she had and sacrifice everything for me...

I'd straight away accept her...

And slowly learnt to love her...

Even if she didn't cross my mind before...

I'd give up the one I like...

The one who won't treasure me...

And choose the one that cares about me...

But oh well...

No one's willing to do that for me...

I'm just an insignificant existence everywhere...

So when i heard that flirt...

I wanted to punch,kick and assault him...

How could he do that...

To someone who treasured him...

If only someone treasured me like that...

I won't take her for granted...

Cos i know...

How hard it is...

To be the one longing for someone...

To be cast away even when u really cared for that other person...

But all u ultimately wanted...

Is for her to be happy...

And somehow wishing that u'll be the one that cause that...

Sigh...

Why do life have to be so fucked?

I know that life is unfair...

But this is ridiculous...

Why?

Tell me someone...

Why does an asshole like him get to people who treasure him a lot?

While he just plays around with them and take them for granted...

Shattering their hearts once he's done with them...

And still proudly announcing it to everyone...

He doesn't deserve it...

And he's got everything...

That people would give up their everything for...

And yet he's screwing around thinking that they're something that can be found easily...

I've had it...

I've heard enough stories...

Why can't it be me for a change?

Seems like nice people suffer the most...

In addition to dying earlier...

Sighs...

I shouldn't have hung out with u again...

All those pain that i took so long to numb...

Are starting to ache again...

It's excruciating...

Everything just...

Came back...

Bits and pieces of memories...

Of the things we went through...

Before i realised...

My chest hurt...

And my eyes blurred...

Someone...

Tell me what to do...

And lend me a listening ear...

Been hanging out with u more again and smsing u again...

I really thought that u finally realised that I'm actually important to u...

I thought that hope would come through this time...

Sigh...

How stupid i was...

To continuously and naively believed in hope...

All that awaits me...

Is only despair...

Sighs...

I offered to accompany u to look around the Zinc shop again...

But didnt know that Shu Li and Bhavs were coming too...

Well that was alright...

But...

What hurts was...

U didnt even try to make an effort to talk to me...

And I really couldnt say anything to butt into ur conversations...

Whatever did I go there for?

Since u had them to accompany u...

To just stone?

Sighs...

And...

When Bhavs asked me,"Albert,do u have a crush on someone now?"

I wanted to say ur name out loud...

And say that it's not only a crush...

I live for u...

U are my everything...

Haven't u realised that?

Sighs...

Whatever...

Why did i have to get my hopes up?

I'm such an idiot...

Feeling fucked up again...

Running on empty...

What bloody lives we lead...

Should be concentrating on studies...

But i'm not doing so...

I'm a failure...

At everything...

I'm here, downtrodden and maimed...

With no hope left to move on...

That's what i said...

But what i really hope...

Is to find someone...

Who will not give up on me...

What the hell am i talking about?

My brain's malfunctioning...

From all these thoughts...

That i cant even think straight anymore...

Someone...

Save me from this absolute darkness...

Save me from this living hell...

Went to school super dead mode today...

Super tired for some reason...

Didn't really pay attention in class throughout the day...

Last lesson PCCT...

Sex education talk conducted by Mr Rizal...

Thought that some other external people will conduct one...

He look cmi de but okay la in the end...

Most of the time make fun of people here and there...

But...

The relationship part...

About love...

And loving feeling...

Commitment...

And other stuffs...

I was thinking of u throughout the thing...

Are our expectations of each other really that different?

What am I to u?

Unanswered questions echoed in my mind...

I'd give anything...

Really...

To just be by ur side...

Sigh...

U smsed me last Sat...

When i saw ur name pop out...

My heart skipped a bit...

I was quite happy...

Wondering what the msg is all about...

I thought...

Maybe after i stayed away for so long...

U finally missed me?

Sighs...

My hopes were dashed...

As soon as i opened the msg...

U asked me about the list of chem organic notes...

U could have asked others...

But why me?

It must have been because others were not there?

That u finally decided to ask me?

So i'm just a substitute to u?

Who only appears in the back of ur mind when u have a need for me?

Sigh...

I'm tired...

Why do u keep getting my hopes up...

Just to destroy them again...

Don't u know how hard it is for me?

Can u just push me away?

Slap me?

Or do anything that will hurt me so much?

If u're not interested in me?

Don't leave me hanging...

Sigh...

Aaaaaaaaand it's friday again...

Well i should be happy...

But i'm not...

A break from work...

So what?

A break from school...

So what?

When I cant get a break from this silence between us...

Sigh...

Staying at home makes me think of u more and more...

Since I just don't seem anything particular to do...

Should i ask u out on mon?

Contemplating...

Sigh...

Why do i mean so little?

And girls are just difficult to understand...

I just can't read what they're thinking...

Did i do something wrong?

If so,then just come up and tell me...

I'll try to rectify everything...

Don't avoid me like i'm some sort of plague...

And stop talking out of a sudden...

I don't mean to hurt...

Sighs...

Sometimes i wish i was Rayson

Bo chap about a lot of things...

Sigh...

If only I hadn't fallen for u...

Empty again...

Heh...

For what was I even born?

Still not asleep at 4am in the morning...

There's this mix of feelings...

Frustrated...

Both at myself...

And at those retarded assholes...

And there's this empty feeling...

Which no matter what i do...

I just cant fill it up...

Sigh...

A pathetic human being i am...

I wonder if they day'll come...

When i'll turn from an ugly duckling to a swan...

Heh...

I don't really amount to anything everywhere...

Be it in sec school...

Or jc...

Or to u...

Look's like i'm just that invisible person...

Who only exists when u all have a need for me...

I don't really learn from lessons do I?

I should've known...

That going for that stupid gathering would have been a complete waste of time...

Yet...

I merrily agreed...

Deep down in my heart...

Hoping that somehow...

Maybe today i can finally fit in...

I just dont give up...

Even after so many letdowns...

After so many disappointments...

Whatever...

Maybe i'm just destined to be alone forever...

Went to heart of god ytd...

Was supposed to be there for 40 min...

Ended up being there for like 3 hours...

Worship session...

About language of love...

3rd language of love: gifts...

-Be considerate of the recipient's needs

-Don't recycle gifts

-How u give the gift is as important as how much the gift is worth

-...

-...

The whole time i was there...

U were on my mind...

I was thinking of u...

I wanted to cry...

But...

I held it back...

Sigh...

I'll give u something to really remember me by...

And i hope u'll treasure it...

I still really really care about u...

Everywhere i go...

All i see are couples...

All the effort i used...

To not think of u...

Suddenly disappears...

U'd come to my mind...

Sigh...

It seems like life is making a fool out of me...

And it's as if that life is enjoying seeing me suffer...

My heart aches...

As all the memories resurface...

Of all the days we spent together...

Sigh...

I treasure u...

But how come it ends up this way?

I really envy some people...

They have what they want...

But they don't treasure it...

Just like that flirt in my class...

He's got girls falling for him...

But all he ever do is hurt them...

If only i were him...

I would never do those things he does...

I'd give u everything I have...

Just so that u will never regret...

Seems like it's futile...

Ending everything sounds good right about now...

I even jumped off a building in my dream...

How cool is that?

Maybe i should really do it...

I won't move on anyway...

Sigh...

As expected...

All u replied me when i wished u was

"Okay.Thanks.Haha :]"

U wouldn't even remember that I've got my individuals tmr...

Even though i remembered ur group event...

Sigh...

Am i really that insignificant to u?

Just how much am i worth to u?

Tears choking me as I type my reply...

It's so hard to pretend to be happy...

Even if it's just sending a msg...

If only I could bring myself to tell u all these feelings...

I wonder what ur reaction would be...

Most probably u'd be telling me not to like u...

Again...

Thinking of ending everything...

Quitting life...

Should I?

Would u miss me in the slightest bit?

Would u even feel sad?

The answer lies within ur hands...

U can make me or break me...

For u're my only and my number 1

Sigh...

U've done it again...

U just ignored me...

Without a care about my feelings...

U are all i think about everyday...

Yet i seem like nothing to u...

Why?

I just don't know how to carry on anymore...

It's taking everything to hold back these tears...

If only I could let them flow freely...

Like the rain...

It would have been nice to walk slowly and cry in the rain...

Since no one would be able to see my tears...

If not for the other YJCians around...

And of course...

I couldn't let Wen Min see my tears too...

Sigh...

Everything's so fucked up now...

And tmr's the last official table tennis match that I'll get to participate in...

Don't think I'll have a chance...

But I'd try my best...

If u'd wish me good luck...

Tmr's ur wushu group event too...

Wish u'd do well...

So that u'll be happy...

Sigh...

Sigh...

I'm really at my wits' end already...

Won't u just come over and talk to me?

I just can't focus anymore...

Do u have any idea how many sleepless nights I had because of u?

Do u know how much tears I shed over u?

When I had forgotten how to cry...

Do u know just how painful the way everything is now to me?

If only dreams would really evolve into reality...

If only my dreams...

About u coming back were real...

Sigh...

Why do u have to be so cold...

* Saat kau MENYUKAI seseorang, kau ingin memilikinya untuk keegoisanmu sendiri.
* Saat kau MENYAYANGI seseorang, kau ingin sekali membuatnya bahagia dan bukan untuk dirimu sendiri.
* Saat kau MENCINTAI seseorang, kau akan melakukan apapun untuk kebahagiaannya
walaupun kau harus mengorbankan jiwamu.


* Saat kau menyukai seseorang dan berada disisinya maka kau akan bertanya,"Bolehkah aku menciummu?"
* Saat kau menyayangi seseorang dan berada disisinya maka kau akan bertanya,"Bolehkah aku memelukmu?"
* Saat kau mencintai seseorang dan berada disisinya maka kau akan menggenggam erat tangannya...


* SUKA adalah saat ia menangis, kau akan berkata "Sudahlah, jangan menangis."
* SAYANG adalah saat ia menangis dan kau akan menangis bersamanya.
* CINTA adalah saat ia menangis dan kau akan membiarkannya menangis dipundakmu sambil berkata, "Mari kita selesaikan masalah ini bersama-sama. "


* SUKA adalah saat kau melihatnya kau akan berkata,"Ia sangat cantik dan menawan."
* SAYANG adalah saat kau melihatnya kau akan melihatnya dari hatimu dan bukan matamu.
* CINTA adalah saat kau melihatnya kau akan berkata,"Buatku dia adalah anugerah terindah yang pernah Tuhan berikan padaku.."


* Pada saat orang yang kau SUKA menyakitimu, maka kau akan marah dan tak mau lagi bicara padanya.
* Pada saat orang yang kau SAYANG menyakitimu, engkau akan menangis untuknya.
* Pada saat orang yang kau CINTAI menyakitimu, kau akan berkata,"Tak apa dia hanya tak tau apa yangdia lakukan."


* Pada saat kau suka padanya, kau akan MEMAKSANYA untuk menyukaimu.
* Pada saat kau sayang padanya, kau akan MEMBIARKANNYA MEMILIH.
* Pada saat kau cinta padanya, kau akan selalu MENANTINYA dengan setia dan tulus...


* SUKA adalah kau akan menemaninya bila itu menguntungkan.
* SAYANG adalah kau akan menemaninya di saat dia membutuhkan.
* CINTA adalah kau akan menemaninya di saat bagaimana keadaanmu.


* SUKA adalah hal yang menuntut.
* SAYANG adalah hal memberi dan menerima.
* CINTA adalah hal yang memberi dengan rela

I'm just feeling so fucked up again...

Everything I do is useless...

No matter what i do,i will never be welcomed...

It's not my fault...

I'm short naturally...

I'm weak naturally...

It's not as if i can change these...

I'd change if i could...

So why is it that everyone is always ostracizing me?

Everyone...

Except u...

I'll never forget the hands u offered me,when no one else came to help...

Even when it was hard, u were always helping me...

It was u who greeted me and kindly smiled at me...

Ur smile became what i look forward to every day...

But why do everything have to be this way now?

I just wanted to be near u...

Heh...

Was reading some random manga...

It ended happily...

Haha...

Why can't it be that way for me too?

When i finally plucked up my courage to tell u...

It really took everything I had...

But u just have to dismiss it casually...

It really aches...

At least take me seriously...

It's just so hard to hold back these tears sometimes...

I really don't know how to move on..

Sigh...

Getting that empty feeling again...

I'm always left out everywhere...

An abomination...

That's what I am...

Cast aside and thrown away without the slightest thought...

That's just how my life is...

I'm missing u again...

These feelings and memories of u are lingering...

U're the only one who can fill the void...

Did u think that it was only a casual remark or a crush when i told u that i like u?

I really wish that u were here...

To accompany me...

But at the same time...

I'm staying away from u...

Adhering to what would be best for u...

Giving in to what u want...

Even though it pains me...

I'd gladly give anything up for u...

If only u know how much u really mean to me...

I know u think of me as ur brother...

Or maybe brother is just a term that we use...

Maybe u think of me as a mere friend...

But that's not how it is for me...

Don't look at someone who's far away...

Don't try to reach further...

But instead...

Be aware of the person who's in ur surroundings...

Of the person who'll always be there for u...

No mood to do anything...

Just rotting silently at home...

No one cares...

Guess stoning's the only thing i'm best at...

I'm sick of stoning with nothing to do and this feeling of emptiness...

But what else can i do?

U won't ask me out...

I doubt u'd even go out if i asked u to accompany me...

Ask others?

That's what u'll say...

I've got no one else...

The rest doesn't care about me...

To them...

I'm non-existent outside school...

Whatever...

So damn tired...

What the fuck is wrong with everything?

Why do everything i do seem to always go wrong?

It's like I'm the embodiment of failure itself...

After all the effort I put in...

All the sweat and blood i shed...

It's reduced to nothing...

Every single time...

I'll just end up in disappointment...

They say that failure is the stepping stone of success...

But I've failed tens,hundreds of times...

So much so that i lost track of them...

But i have yet to enjoy what success really is...

Maybe it's just me...

I'm a defect...

An imperfect human...

Whose birth was a mistake...

I tried so hard...

To give u the best of me...

To always be there for u when u need someone...

Everything i did was always with u in my mind...

I wanted to be ur something...

I wanted u to appreciate me...

But instead...

U find me annoying...

U don't want me to be so close to u...

U tell me to forget u...

I tried to forget u...

For that's what will make u happy...

I tried my best to adhere to ur wish...

I cut off contact with u for almost 2 months...

But I just couldn't forget u no matter what...

And i failed yet again...

Even after all those lonely days I spent alone...

Forcing myself not to think of u...

I still failed...

I practiced so hard for table tennis...

Extra training...

Friendly matches...

Even when i wasn't in the mood...

I still went...

They left me exhausted...

They would make me more inclined to think of u...

Cause i'll be left lying with nothing else to do...

They brought me more pain...

But i still went...

And look at yesterday's results...

I fucking screwed up...

Why...

I studied for block test...

I redid the tutorial questions for maths...

Even though i simply don't feel like doing them...

I expected to at least pass...

But i still failed badly...

And got one of the lowest in the class...

Why the fuck is all my hard work not paying off?

Why is it that everything just can't go my way?

Not even for once...

God...

Look at ur servant here...

Where are u?

Why have u forsaken me time and again?

I believed u...

But everything is so fucked up now...

Am i just ur toy?

For u to have fun watching me suffer?

I just don't have the will to carry on...

Please don't torture me anymore...

Just take me back...

Let me disappear from this world...

Another prove of my uselessness

Hahahahahahahahahaha....

YEAH!!!

I SUCK BIG TIME...

I'm just a fucking loser who cant do anything right...

The next important thing in my life after her...

Table tennis...

Has been taken away from me as well...

Played with Hwa Chong and JJ today...

Hwa Chong really expected to lose...

Nothing much to say...

But JJ...

Arthur and Fenghuan won...

If Nigel and i won...

we would have won JJ....

But i just have to screw up...

Like how i do everythime...

I'm just so fucked up...

What did i spend those long hours training for?

Even going for extra training in bukit gombak every saturday at 8.30 AM

It was so fucking close...

Why do i have to be so impatient???

I fucking screwed up the whole team...

It's all because of me that we lost...

I let down myself and the school...

I'm a fucking disgrace...

I should have known that anything i do will only result in another failure...

I shouldn't have tried at all...

I should have joined another cca in the first place...

Hahaha...

I'm really a sucker...

What can i do?

Nothing...

I cant even be of use to u...

And i cant achieve my own targets in table tennis...

Fuck it all...

Then what's the use of my existence now?

When i have failed 2 of my most important things?

I'm just so weak...

And worthless...

I guess there's not much value in both me and my life...

I wanted to be at least something to u...

Cause u're the only one makes me feel alive...

U actually made me feel like, "hey, there's someone who actually cares about me."

So i wanted to be of importance to u...

But...

This isn't the case now right?

What's my worth?

When I'm not even worth something to my everything?

What's my value in life?

To help people?

Well yea i do want to help people like me...

To prevent them from being like me...

Maybe that way i'll at least feel some relieve...

But how can i do that if i cant even help myself?

And I'd rather not be everything to everyone...

I'd prefer being something to u...

It's so damn hard...

To coordinate my actions to be contradictory to what i feel...

I'm pretty much skilled at it...

Used it so much so that it's become a habit...

But it's still hard no matter what...

Didnt feel like going out today...

But still went...

In the end also didn't really do anything much...

Sigh...

I cant help but think of u...

I want those moments back...

I came across this phrase...

"It's not possible for guys and girls to be good friends.The attraction will always get in the way."

I didn't believe that...

Until now...

Last year, when people teased us,I'd just dismiss them saying we're just good friends...

And that was what i really thought back then...

I suddenly remembered this phrase...

But in this case it's just not mere attraction...

It's grown out of control...

This silence...

This distance...

It's hurting me...

I cant even begin to explain how...

It's like we're strangers...

And i hate this...

"It's better to have loved and lost than not to love at all"

"Love helps us to gain and grow, even if u lose it"

Was reading chicken soup for the soul:teenagers' talk while waiting in popular...

Came across these 2 phrases...

It sounds quite true to me...

When u came into my life...

U gave me hope...

I opened up to u...

I told u things related to me that I have never told anyone else...

U helped me to trust others again...

Sadly...

Good things have to come to an end...

When u're doing this to me...

U take away all that i've gained too...

This pain is inexplicable...

Please dont torture me anymore...

I just want to spend time with u...

What a big fool i am...

When u sent me that blank msg...

And didn't reply me...

I seriously thought u were in some kind of trouble...

I was panicking...

I really hoped that nothing happened...

But turns out i'm just too paranoid...

U probably just accidentally pressed the wrong button...

And u didn't reply me cos I'm just a waste of ur time...

Right?

It's so hard to suppress these tears...

Maybe i should really let go of everything...

Leave all the sufferings behind...

And who knows...

Maybe heaven is really that place where u can just live in peace for the rest of eternity...

Or maybe hell is not that bad too...

Maybe the physical and spiritual pain will numb all these psychological pain...

I really should end everything...

Shouldn't I?

After all i'm not even worth something to u,who's my everything...

So why should I bother with life anymore?

Would u even stop me if I said I'm leaving for real?

Would u believe me?

Would u even care?

Would u even listen to me?

Unanswerable questions running through my head...

Inexplicable feelings...

Countless 'what if's and 'if only's...

Yeah...

If only i have the answer to everything...

Haha...

Block test ended...

I should be happy...

But I'm not in the least bit...

Feeling empty and dejected...

At least the pressure from block test diverted some of my attention away...

Sure I'd stone every so often...

But at least i don't have to feel this way...

What's the purpose of life actually?

To suffer?

I'm sure not?

I'd think it's a journey to find happiness?

But through what?Study well,get into uni,get a job and that's it?

Well that works for some people and i don't condone their way of thinking...

To each his own...

But it doesn't work for me...

Material well-being doesn't really mean anything to me...

My aim was u...

I could only feel bliss and true happiness when i'm with u...

And only then can i get to do other things...

But it's not possible now is it?

Looking at us now...

Did u purposely ignore me yesterday?

Or u simply don't care?

I don't know what to do anymore...

I'm losing my sanity...

A break would be just what i need...

But...

Still have to endure for one more week...

Before block tests are over...

Heard that there will be a parents' meet...

Fuck...

If i'd heard that earlier i would have prepared for block tests...

And after that...

Intensive training...

For A division...

Right after that...

Back to the books...

Will everything end?

I'm barely holding on to my consciousness...

Held together by a thin thread...

By u...

But it's breaking...

This thread can barely support the weight of my feelings...

I just want to disappear...

But this question pops out...

"Will u be able to live happily even if i die?"

Well i guess the answer to that is pretty much a yes...

I don't mean much to u...

But then again...

What i'm worried about is u...

Not how u'll live without me...

Everything's unpredictable...

So u might encounter "pleasant" surprises here and there...

And when it's big...

Can u handle it?

I just wanna be there for u when it happens...

But i wont be able to do so if i disappear...

If only there is some way...

To completely erase my existence...

And my memory of myself...

So that it seems like no one called Albert Ardy Gunawan ever existed...

Feeling empty again...

I can't get anything done...

I'm hopeless...

I just wanna see u...

Sigh...

What will become of me?

Once u leave...

A nervous wreck?

A walking zombie?

Or ashes...

The remains of a combusted corpse...

Dead...

I've always thought that giving up was way too easy...

I had given up on everything...

Things...

Relationships with people...

Even myself...

But never have i known how hard it is to give up...

I would always give way to others...

Only now...

Can i really feel how difficult it is to let go...

It's kind of funny...

How i can give up on life...

Yet i can't give up on u...

No matter how hard i try...

I would always be back to square one...

Sigh...

Life is short...

Every moment we spend breathing...

There's a chance of us losing our lives...

And that's why...

I had to tell u my feelings...

My heart was beating fast...

I could feel my chest burning...

It's heavy...

I really fear that I'll completely lose u forever from my life...

But...

I don't wanna regret not saying a single thing...

I really care about u...

I will sacrifice anything for u...

That's why I even sacrificed my pride...

My hair...

Even knowing that it'll turn out freaky...

And I won't be mad at u...

Because it's u...

In the end I didn't manage to say everything...

I'm lying to u...

I'm sorry...

I told u i'll just be ur bro forever...

But i really hope u'll come to accept me one day...

Telling u that I'll remain as ur bro...

Is the only way that i can stay by ur side...

The bus ride home was the longest i've had from ur house...

Mixed feelings...

I was glad that i managed to tell u part of my feelings...

But...

A tinge of regret remains...

If only i wasn't such a coward...

If only i told u everything...

Sadness was overflowing...

U weren't moved at all...

Can't u even feel a tiny bit of my feelings for u?

It's painful...

I felt like crying...

But how can i do so in front of strangers and my family?

I won't give up...

Cause u're worth it...

U're worth everything i have...

These may make me seem sappy but...

Whatever...

A picture is worth a thousand words...

And there's no way to accurately describe these feelings that i have for u...

This is how i feel...

Questions without answers

Went to the lib with u today...

Was quite happy at first...

It was the first time...

After so long...

That i got to spend time with u again...

But the longer i spent there...

The more i dejected I was...

I felt so left out...

Are u purposely avoiding me?

I felt like a third party somehow...

I'm jealous...

I'm envious...

If only...

If only...

If only i could swap places...

Why????

I just cant help feeling lost and helpless...

I was in agony the whole while...

But i still had to keep my smiles up...

U were sitting right in front of me...

I just couldn't help but lok at u...

But the more i looked at u...

The more hurt i felt...

Those beautiful smile of urs...

Those laughters...

That i wanted so much to see...

Were there in front of me...

But i wasn't the one who made u laugh...

I wasn't the one who could make u smile...

And that...

Really pierced through my heart...

What i'd done for u...

Were they not enough?

Just to move ur heart in the slightest bit?

I...

Just what am i to u?

The Trinisette of Time...the Past,the Present and the Future

Sometimes i'm just so lost...

I dunno what to do...

Sometimes u seem concerned about me...

Like that day when u asked me why i was so agitated...

But at other times u can be so cold...

U replied my msges with shorts replies...

No smiley faces...

No hahas...

I just cant seem to figure out what u're thinking...

Do u care about me even in the slightest bit?

Even if it's not as much as i care about u...

If so then why do u treat me coldly?

I just want my halcyon days back...

Those days that i spent together with u...

Laughing...

Talking about nonsensical stuffs...

Without any barriers between us...

I have been thinking about u a lot...

Arthur said i look so distracted nowadays...

Although i did improve...

But I'm more inconsistent as compared to before...

He said he thinks it's because of u...

Maybe he's right...

I just cant seem to let u go...

But...

It's also thanks to u that i'm here today...

If it weren't for u...

The past one year would have been hell...

No joy...

No contentment...

No peace of mind...

Nothing at all...

I wouldn't know what is warmth...

In this degrading and rotten world,

U were my source of strength...

My encouragement...

The one who always pulled me through the worst times...

Without u,i wouldn't have made it to J2...

I wouldn't be so sociable...

U took away my prejudice against people...

And planted trust in its place...

U were and still are...

My everything...

If only u would become that special someone for me...

Somehow it's kind of ironic...

U, who gave me strength...

Would also be the one to sap it away...

I stone a lot nowadays...

Just thinking about all the stuffs that happened...

That's the only way i can manage to feel happy now...

To feel alive...

To tell myself that everything that happened wasn't a dream...

It was real...

Every bit of it...

And I have to keep these memories alive...

For they were the greatest moments in my whole pathetic life...

Today's white day...

Haven't given u a chocolate yet...

Wonder if u'll accept a chocolate from me...

Sigh...

If u accept me...

Then that's the greatest wish I can ever receive...

I really hope that it can come true...

Many a times i thought about what would happen if u give me chance...

I know that i'm certainly not perfect...

In fact...

I'm far from it...

There's too much weaknesses in me...

I'm short...

Fat...

Weak...

Not sociable...

Emo...

And much much more...

But...

Despite all that...

U still came into my life...

U didn't shun me...

U didnt ostracize me...

If u were to accept me...

I will give u the best of me...

I really really mean it...

For there's nothing more that have a greater significance in my life as compared to u...

If only u'd notice me more...

Think of me a little bit more...

Take note of my feelings for u...

And as i wrote this...

Tears are welling up in my eyes...

Thinking of the our past...

Our present...

And what the future may hold...

If only u can read this...

Will u change ur mind knowing how much u mean to me?

Will u give me a chance?

Stupid Assumptions

S.T.O.P

F.U.C.K.I.N.G

B.O.T.H.E.R.I.N.G

M.E

A.L.R.E.A.D.Y

GO PLAY UR FUCKING GUITAR SOMEWHERE ELSE

GO AND FUCKING NAG SOMEWHERE ELSE

And why do people always assume what's best for me?

"Oh,study and get to Uni then can go find good job"

"Just do this,this,this and this and u'll get through"

"Forget about her"

Do u all even stop to pause and consider what i need the most now?

And the worst one

"Dont like me. I dont want u to waste ur time on me."

Do u know how much it hurts to hear that again and again?

I really love u...

I just cant forget u...

Okay, I know that u will never return my feelings...

But...

Don't tell me what I have to do and what's best for me...

Cause the best thing that's ever happened to me is u...

And u're what i want...

Even if u wont return my feelings...

So don't tell me to forget u...

Or maybe u just want me to disappear?

Erase every single trace that I've made in ur life?

What's the point in achieving what u all want for me,but not what i truly want and end up getting shattered in the process?

Denial...

"How can u ask if i love u? Look at all that I've done with u. If it's not love, then what is?"

-Sarah, from Mitch Albom's "Have a Little Faith"

I miss u...

All the times we spent together...

All the laughter we shared...

The frustrations...

The tears i shed over u...

The long talks...

There was never a dull moment when u're around...

My pain, they all seem to disappear when u're there...

My sorrows turn into joy when i see u...

U accepted me for what i was...

I...

Really can't bear being apart from u...

When i'm not with u...

It's very painful for me...

If only I can find someway...somehow...to get these feelings across to u...

If only I can make u realise how much u mean to me...

I don't want u to be unhappy...

And if that unhappiness is caused by being with me, then i will keep on staying away,keeping my distance as what I'm doing now...

But deep down,I still hope that u can give me a chance...

Ultimately,all i want is for u to be happy...

Even if i have to sacrifice everything...

Efforts...

Perseverance...

My smiles...

My laughter...

My self-worth...

My self-esteem...

My confidence...

My everything...

There's nothing I won't do for u just so that i can see those beautiful smiles of yours...

Isn't all these what love is about?

Sacrificing at the cost of myself...

Putting u in front of everything else...

Maybe I'm still not perfect...

I can't love you without expecting returns...

But I do want u to be happy...

I try my hardest to make u happy...

Even if it's killing me inside...

Can u deny me?

Can u deny my feelings?

Can u deny that all that I've done and what I will and can do for u is not a form of love?

I'm not a perfect person...

Far away from perfect...

But I will try my best to change for the better for you...

Please don't disappear from my life...

Look at all that I've done and what i will and can do for u...

If it's not love, then what would u call it?

Fuck...

Too angry until I fucking vomitted out all my dinner...

Seriously, everyone should fucking take a self-check and stop fucking pissing me off...

If not,I wont say sorry if i happen to vomit onto them...

Burn,Anger,Burn

Fuck everyone...

Fuck everything...

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....

So damn fucking pissed off at the world...

Is there really no one out there who will acknowledge me?

Why do everything i do seem to get criticized?

Fuck...

I just cant seem to explain this burst of anger...

This rage...

Just fucking pissed off at everything...

Don't fucking irritate me and I wont fucking kill u...

Sons and daughters of bitches and bastards...

Just fuck off...

GTFO if u have nothing better to do than to ostracize me...

One major fucking source of this fury:

The BLOODY MOTHERFUCKING EUNUCH/TRANNY/GAY

FUCK YOU!

DONT COME TO ME AND FUCKING ACT LIKE U'RE FUCKING INNOCENT U HOMO...

DONT FUCKING TRY TO PIN THE BLAME ON ME U BLOODY MENTALLY RETARDED FUCKER...

FUCK...

He just fucking spoilt my whole already fucked up day...

FUCK MY PERFECT BASTARD BRO TOO

FUCK EVERYDAY PLAY GUITAR LIKE SOME KIND OF FREAK

THINK HE SO FUCKING GOOD

U PLAY LIKE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BITCH...

AND METAL?

GO FUCK URSELF...

IT'S FOR MEnTALly retarded fuckers...

JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY...

DONT FUCKING STEP INTO MY COMFORT ZONE ASSHOLES...

I'VE FUCKING TOLERATED U ALL SO MUCH...

AND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURN?

MORE FUCKING DISTURBANCE...

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

If live gives u lemons, make lemonade.

WELL HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO SO WITHOUT EQUIPMENTS,MR FUCKING KNOW-IT-ALL?

Mental and physical exhaustion

Had training and match today...

Was very tired but still ended going for CVD...

I think if i used the excuse that i got friendly match i would have been able to skip CVD...

But i would feel quite bad if I did that...

So i just went there to help out...

But a lot of people slacking...

So had to stand in for them...

Very tired...

Regretted going CVD also...

If only I didnt go...

All my efforts...

All my pain...

Wouldn't have gone to waste...

All the time I stayed away from her...

To forget her...

Is now dashed...

I didn't see her...

But she saw me...

And she just had to call out to me...

I thought i was close to forgetting her...

At least ¼ there...

But..

The moment she did that...

Everything just came back...

All the memories...

The laughter that we shared...

The long talks...

It all came back to me...

I realised that I still love her very much...

What i did was just escaping from reality...

I hadnt forgotten her in the least...

After she called out and waved...

I just waved back and walked away...

I fear that tears would roll down my cheeks if i stayed there...

A sharp pain passed through my heart...

What is wrong with me?

Why do i love her so much even though she's hurting me?

I'm a fool...

A sucker for her...

I just don't understand it...

I thought love was supposed to be a sweet and happy thing...

But i guess i was wrong...

Sometime i wish she would be more appreciative of me...

And not reject everything...

Like maybe Wen Min?

Offered to help Wen Min carry stuffs today and Wen Min didn't refuse...

But if it were her...

She would have...

What am I talking about?

If she didn't refuse then it wouldnt be her would it?

I just confused myself...

Sigh...

I'm just so pathetic...

Drowning in self-pity

Drowning in self-loathing

Drowning in the dark waters...

I'm just so depressed...

Staying away from her is taking away all my willpower...

All my strength...

All my life...

Saw this phrase

"If life sucks,make it better.U have a choice."

Wtf kind of bullshit is that?

We don't have a choice in everything...

That person must be an idiot...

Either he's deceiving himself or he's a fucking asshole who has never experienced hardships...

Fuck everything...

Everything just seems to go against me now...

Let me be something...

I muss you so so much...

All this time we've not talked...

Have I crossed your mind even once?

I'm running out of willpower...

I'm wearing thin...

I'm growing weak...

All this pretending is also becoming less convincing...

I'm smiling...

But my eyes are dead...

And my heart's bleeding...

My movements and gestures are those of a zombie...

Won't u come and find me please?

If only there was someway...

To let u know how I really feel...

To show u this blog...

Without telling you directly...

Maybe i should stop being so wishy-washy...

Maybe i should just come clean about my feelings for u...

I love u...

Maybe it seems that I'm overusing this word...

But that's how I really feel...

I love the way u talk...

I love the ur personality...

I love the way u make me feel...

I love everything about u...

Even ur imperfections...

For all these imperfections are also what makes u perfect...

These few days u were constantly on my mind...

I'm worried about how u're doing...

Were u fine all this while?

When i wasn't with u...

Maybe I'm just over-estimating my value to u...

Maybe all this while u just treated me like a substitute...

But i don't care...

I'm really worried about u...

I care about u...

Please don't act as if i don't exist...

It's hurting me...

Let me be near u...

I don't have to be someone to u...

U can treat me like a rubbish dump...

Where u dump all ur problems and woes...

At least that way...

I know that I'm still of some use to u...

At least I'm still something in ur life...

Rather than this non-existent existence...

I need you...

So damn pissed off...

Fucking retard trying to destroy and bring down the whole table tennis team...

As if we're gonna let him do that...

Fuck off GAY/HOMO

Arguing with him only make me more pissed...

And I've got other things on my mind too...

My blood's boiling now...

Only you can calm me down...

Just talking with you put me at ease...

I don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not...

Your presence ease my problems...

I really wanted to find you today...

But...

Forget it...

I'll just stay away...

If it's for your happiness, then I'll sacrifice even mine...

I hope that you've been doing well...

Even without me by your side...

I'm infuriated and dejected...

Wish you're here for me...

Sigh...

If only you know how much I love you...

Death,the only escape?

I just feel so lost now...

Nothing is working out...

I'm keeping my distance from u...

It's supposed to benefit both of us...

I have to learn...

How to live without u...

But I just can't take it...

It's taking all of my willpower to stay away from u...

Everytime i see u...

I just feel like talking to u...

But...

Words won't come out...

I'm afraid that if i start to speak, tears will start running down my cheeks...

Now i'm just an empty shell...

With nothing...

But it seems that it's working out fine for u...

How long has it been?

Since u last text me?

If I didn't text u...

U wouldn't even think of texting me right?

Am i just another passer-by in ur life?

I had a dream about us...

It ended happily...

But it's just not possible right?

I thought we were close...

But guess it was my own one-sided thoughts...

I just don't have the strength to pull through anymore...

Suicide came across my mind countless times...

I ward it off by gaming...

But the effect is gradually wearing off...

Even if i were to disappear...

Would u even notice?

Would u cry for me?

I guess not...

After all i'm not sure if i even left a speck of dust in ur life...

Just know that u're my everything...

I love u more than anything and anyone...

Even God...

Once everything breaks...

I'll just keep a watch over u from above...