Yeah...

There's one person that'll like whatever you do right here...

No matter what it is, I'll always clap and compliment and smile for you...

But you just won't realise it...

Hahah fuck.......

I just went ahead and met her today...

And she looked so... Beautiful...

She changed...

Dyed hair...

New specs...

Of course I'd notice anything new about her...

But would she notice me all the same?

But...

Why'd she change?

For a guy?

She'd never do that for me...

And...

She said most of the time she's going out now...

And she did just leave us after lunch...

Is she going out with a guy?

That means so much that we can be left in the lurch...

Hahahah fuck.....

I just feel so fucked up...

I shouldn't have met her at all...

I'm completely in ruins now...

What the hell am I doing

Trolling on facebook posting around random stuffs just to convince others that I'm cheery

When I'm really not

I'm tired

Real tired...

And I got pangseh-ed again

Maybe I should have gone to MANGO with the horny bastards

Heh...

Maybe get wasted and grab a chick or two and sleep with them

Not that I fuck around

But getting stuck at home just makes it worse

Whatever...

I'm walking all alone
Heading towards nowhere

Just walking aimlessly

And the sky's getting darker

I'm not gonna run

I'm not gonna look for shelter

If it rains, let it be

Let it rain...

Let it rain...

Let me cry out in the rain...

While the rain masks my tears...

Let me scream out all my pain...

While the rain masks my voice...

Walking in the rain felt...kinda refreshing

For once...

Everything's so superficial..

Relationships...

Hard work...

Nothing good comes out of everything...

It's just stacking troubles after troubles...

And I've gotten so good at putting on my mask that I don't even feel anything anymore...

I just feel so...so lost...

Yet again..

I keep on being so pathetic...

Playing the victim...

Even after I told myself countless times that I'm stronger than before...

Yet with each new obstacles...
I keep getting crushed...

Without even seeing a tiny bit of my goals and hopes...

Seriously...

Why am I always the victim?

Victim of love

Victim of friendship

Victim of family

Victim of effort

Victim of health

Of...of everything...

I'd say I'm not so weak...

If I were..

I'd be the same as those who cut themselves and commit suicide...

I'd say I'm one who cheers up quickly...

But it's just that why is it me and always me?

Give me a break please...

And no one ever understands I guess...

No one even tries to...

Sigh...

Ahahahaha

JOKE RIGHT?

Right...

Another problem comes up when I haven't solved even one of the previous ones...

Seriously, I can do without anymore extra worries, thank you.

Sigh...

When others post "wow i'm having 8-5 bla bla bla, my camp rocks"

I'm having untreated insomnia in camp

I'm overworked due to fucking poor planning by assholes who forced us to merge

I'm getting eaten by all the retards

When others post "in a relationship, ily, yada yada yada and whatever bullshits about relationships"

I can't even go after the person I love so much

I can't even decide what else to do now regarding her

I can't get over her

And I also can't tell her I haven't done so

All I could tell her was lies after lies

Running away and diverting everything

And now, when others post "love my family, etc"

My house is like a battlefield

And I'm the neutral one who hasn't chosen any side

But i'm getting pressured to...

Damn it...........

What should I do?

Sigh...

Bits and pieces of songs i used to write for u...

Just gonna store this here for future reference I guess.

Yea,life took me for a fool and played me for one.
But I'm gonna get by.
I'm gonna get by.
Cause I've done it before and I'm weaker than none.
I'll get by~

Would you come over and sit closer?
And stay till this lonely night is over~

The parade's coming to and end
And we hear the joyous clapping hands
But don't let it end they say
Let the anthem play
Till night turns to day

It just seems so...so...far
The time when we used to lie down and wait for shooting stars~

I look at the skies and wonder where did we go

Where did we go-o-o-o-o

I'm fighting for a lost cause

A one sided battle...

One that I know I'll never win

But why am I still fighting?

You don't even care anymore do you?

The way you reply me...

The way you coldly brush me aside...

I...

I just want to be near you...

Is that so wrong in itself?

Do you have to slip yourself away till this extent?

It's breaking me...

And to fight off this fear, this sorrow...

It's taking everything

To pretend, to act like I'm strong

Like I'm a newly reborn person who doesn't know a thing about emo

Yeah I try to tell myself that..

But it just keeps haunting me

Maybe emo is my corner stone

Sigh what am I even writing right now...

I'm all alone and I need you now...

What did I do wrong?

Or maybe what I should be asking is why not?

Am I really that far off from your ideal notion of a guy?

Yeah, I'm lame, I'm sappy, I'm short and i'm indecisive...

But I truly truly love you...

I can't promise that my actions won't hurt you

But at least I'll try my very best to keep you happy...

Cause your smiling face is all I wanna see

Especially if I'm the one who cause you to smile

I won't be like Hong Lin or whoever that ass is...

Who only turn to you for comfort as and when he felt like it...

I treasure you from the bottom of my heart...

Sigh whatever is the point of saying all this?

As if you'd know how I feel...

As if you're gonna read this post...

Even if you do...

I'm just your hang out, have fun kind of friend aren't I?

Whom you can always replace with someone else...

God, if you're listening to this sinner

I ask you to grant me just one thing..

Maybe you could just grant me amnesia...

I don't really care how..

All the memories...

Are bringing me more pain as I recall them every single day...

Maybe it would have been better to forget everything..

And forget her totally...

Like she never existed...

Then we'd go our own separate ways...

And let her live happily too without this obsessed maniac looking for her every now and then...

And me?

Maybe i'll just be an empty shell who has no memories whatsoever

But I don't mind...

Cause the moment she left

Was really when I felt lost without anything anymore..

Dammit all...

I can't help but think how screwed up I am...

I thought of Eleanor also and I started to consider her...

Maybe it's the post-rejection syndrome or whatever shit...

But after thinking for so days...

I realised that...

You are still the one I want...

When any thing,no matter how small a thing,is brought up...

My first reaction is...

The first person to come to mind...

Wasn't her...

But you...

I decided to just let go...

No point in being a tyrant if it causes you to feel uncomfortable...

I told myself letting go so that you can be happy is the best way out...

But even after all this said and done...

I can't help but feel lonely...

And empty...

Fuck life...

It seriously feels like a delusion...

Just earlier on today we were having fun...

What a freak accident...

It looks like all along it's still my one sided thoughts...

As always...

And now I'm left all alone...

In this cold and empty house...

I cried like I never cried before...

Screamed like I never screamed before...

How am I gonna get through this now?

Live rounds tomorrow...

Should I use them?

I don't believe it...

There's not gonna be you in my life anymore...

Audrey................................

Sigh...

I dont even know what I wanna write anymore...

Don't feel like doing anything anymore....

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck sigh

Well looks like I kinda forgot about this blog...

With all the random musings and stuffs...

So yea...I POP--ed, POC-ed and now I've got 1½ years of ns left...

Things are going kind of great right now I guess...

Though they weren't always this way...

I'm glad I didn't resort to those bullshits even when I really felt like it...

When u kept me away...

When others ostracize me...

When everything just felt so gleam...

I held on...

Maybe things are starting to look up for me...
I've got uni admission...

I think I'm a much more mature,stronger and independent guy...

Bleh, whatever...

But what matters the most and makes me happy these days...

Is YOU...

I don't know if u're finally willing to give me a chance or something....

But I do hope so...

I've decided that I'm gonna tell u soon...

I kinda found this while looking around randomly on the net...

I think it's quite true and meaningful...

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – your aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

— Bob Marley

So I'm hoping this is how it is for us too :)

Been more than a month since I last posted...
Been wanting to post since a few weeks back...
But always emoing until I forgot...
Sigh...
Happiness always last for a short while huh?
And after all that I've done...
We're still back to the same old spot...
To the same old square one...
Sigh...
What do u want from me?
I try to avoid u...
And u come looking for me...
Shaking every part of my determination to forget u...
But after a while...
U start ignoring me againg...
And u start replying me with ur one two words messages...
Why did u even bother to start?
It was a hard decision to stop seeing u and messaging u despite all the urge I bottle up inside...
But just like that, u crush it all effortlessly...
I dont know what I should do anymore...
Maybe I'm fucked up...
Maybe I'm a whiny little loser...
But I've been trying to change...
To be thinner and fitter...
To be more firm and more mature...
All just for u...
But...
Seems like u wont be moved no matter what...
Sigh...
I'm really at a loss...

Well Joseph said that I should get my priorities set straight first...
Do all the other stuffs first...
But how?
All I think about...
All I miss here...
Is u...
U are everywhere I go...
Everyone I see...

Maybe I should just walk away...
But I can't do it if u're going to keep coming and going...
U might as well take my heart...
And leave...
I don't need it anymore...
I can't seem to look at another girl in that way after I met u...
Sighs...

Sigh...

CNY alone...

Weekend alone...

Wish that I can spend them with u...

But...

Guess I'm nothing huh?

I'm what?

A substitute?

A punching bag?

Sigh...

What do I do?

All I can think of is u...

And u alone...

I just feel so at ease with u around...

CNY eve...

Is supposed to be a reunion dinner with everyone having fun isn't it?

But nooo...

Arguments...

Fights...

Whatever...

I'm sick of it...

And I'm going to spend the whole of the break rotting I guess...

Sigh...

Yeah so here I am again...

Going to book in later sigh...

Went out to shop for CNY clothes with her today...

It was...

Nice...

And blissful...

I wished that time could stop there and then...

And when she finally put everything together...

She looked...

Gorgeous...

More than words can describe...

She looked different than usual...

Her silky hair...

The gleam in her eyes...

Everything mesmerised me...

I could feel my heart racing...

I love her so so much...

God...

Please...

Even if u don't grant me anymore wish after this...

Just grant me this one last wish...

Please keep her by my side...

I know I'm greedy...

But...

I won't be able to bear seeing her with someone else...

Maybe that empty feeling was a premonition...

A bad feeling...

That she's gonna work for 13 hours a day...

And including weekends too...

So...

She wont have time to spare for me anymore I guess...

Can't ask her out on weekends...

Sighs...

And she's gonna end work at 10pm...

That's late...

I don't know what to do...

I wanna ask Teow to send her home...

I know that that's the right thing...

To see her home safe and sound...

But...

I don't want him to spend anymore extra time with her...

Since they're already going to see each other for so long every day...

I'm a despicable asshole ain't I?

Got that empty feeling in my heart...

I dont know why...

But I know that it's cause of u...

I realise that...

After entering NS...

I love her more than before...

When we were in school...

Maybe I'd get assurance that at least I can still see her...

But now...

Every second spent with her is so precious...

Sighs...

But what can I do?

She doesn't take me as anything...

While I want to be the one by her side...

Seriously,

Maybe I don't have the faintest clue of where I'm headed next...

But wherever it is,

All I know is that I want her to be next to me when I get there...

I want to tell her how much I love her...

How much she means to me...

But it's futile...

She'd just pay no attention to it and stay away after that...

What can i say?

What should i do?

So that she'll be mine...

I'm going crazy...

I want to sleep with you...

Not have sex...

Literally sleep....

Together...

Under one blanket...

With you by my side...

With my arm around you...

And your head on my chest...

Cuddling with each other...

No talking...

Just sleepy, blissfully happy, silent...

Sometimes I do have these weirdest thoughts...

But what can I say?

It just shows how precious you are to me...

But yet...

I dont know...

I feel like I'm always 2nd in your life...

Or maybe 3rd or 4th or I dunno...

Like yesterday...

U only wanted to go cause Rayson persuaded u...

And when he said that maybe he wasn't going anymore...

U said u were going to meet ur other "friend"

I'm guessing it's HL or Hong Lin or whatever his name is...

But what about me?

I was gonna spend new year's eve all alone if u left...

But did u care?

Sigh...