Mental and physical exhaustion

Had training and match today...

Was very tired but still ended going for CVD...

I think if i used the excuse that i got friendly match i would have been able to skip CVD...

But i would feel quite bad if I did that...

So i just went there to help out...

But a lot of people slacking...

So had to stand in for them...

Very tired...

Regretted going CVD also...

If only I didnt go...

All my efforts...

All my pain...

Wouldn't have gone to waste...

All the time I stayed away from her...

To forget her...

Is now dashed...

I didn't see her...

But she saw me...

And she just had to call out to me...

I thought i was close to forgetting her...

At least ¼ there...

But..

The moment she did that...

Everything just came back...

All the memories...

The laughter that we shared...

The long talks...

It all came back to me...

I realised that I still love her very much...

What i did was just escaping from reality...

I hadnt forgotten her in the least...

After she called out and waved...

I just waved back and walked away...

I fear that tears would roll down my cheeks if i stayed there...

A sharp pain passed through my heart...

What is wrong with me?

Why do i love her so much even though she's hurting me?

I'm a fool...

A sucker for her...

I just don't understand it...

I thought love was supposed to be a sweet and happy thing...

But i guess i was wrong...

Sometime i wish she would be more appreciative of me...

And not reject everything...

Like maybe Wen Min?

Offered to help Wen Min carry stuffs today and Wen Min didn't refuse...

But if it were her...

She would have...

What am I talking about?

If she didn't refuse then it wouldnt be her would it?

I just confused myself...

Sigh...

I'm just so pathetic...

Drowning in self-pity

Drowning in self-loathing

Drowning in the dark waters...

I'm just so depressed...

Staying away from her is taking away all my willpower...

All my strength...

All my life...

Saw this phrase

"If life sucks,make it better.U have a choice."

Wtf kind of bullshit is that?

We don't have a choice in everything...

That person must be an idiot...

Either he's deceiving himself or he's a fucking asshole who has never experienced hardships...

Fuck everything...

Everything just seems to go against me now...

Let me be something...

I muss you so so much...

All this time we've not talked...

Have I crossed your mind even once?

I'm running out of willpower...

I'm wearing thin...

I'm growing weak...

All this pretending is also becoming less convincing...

I'm smiling...

But my eyes are dead...

And my heart's bleeding...

My movements and gestures are those of a zombie...

Won't u come and find me please?

If only there was someway...

To let u know how I really feel...

To show u this blog...

Without telling you directly...

Maybe i should stop being so wishy-washy...

Maybe i should just come clean about my feelings for u...

I love u...

Maybe it seems that I'm overusing this word...

But that's how I really feel...

I love the way u talk...

I love the ur personality...

I love the way u make me feel...

I love everything about u...

Even ur imperfections...

For all these imperfections are also what makes u perfect...

These few days u were constantly on my mind...

I'm worried about how u're doing...

Were u fine all this while?

When i wasn't with u...

Maybe I'm just over-estimating my value to u...

Maybe all this while u just treated me like a substitute...

But i don't care...

I'm really worried about u...

I care about u...

Please don't act as if i don't exist...

It's hurting me...

Let me be near u...

I don't have to be someone to u...

U can treat me like a rubbish dump...

Where u dump all ur problems and woes...

At least that way...

I know that I'm still of some use to u...

At least I'm still something in ur life...

Rather than this non-existent existence...

I need you...

So damn pissed off...

Fucking retard trying to destroy and bring down the whole table tennis team...

As if we're gonna let him do that...

Fuck off GAY/HOMO

Arguing with him only make me more pissed...

And I've got other things on my mind too...

My blood's boiling now...

Only you can calm me down...

Just talking with you put me at ease...

I don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not...

Your presence ease my problems...

I really wanted to find you today...

But...

Forget it...

I'll just stay away...

If it's for your happiness, then I'll sacrifice even mine...

I hope that you've been doing well...

Even without me by your side...

I'm infuriated and dejected...

Wish you're here for me...

Sigh...

If only you know how much I love you...

Death,the only escape?

I just feel so lost now...

Nothing is working out...

I'm keeping my distance from u...

It's supposed to benefit both of us...

I have to learn...

How to live without u...

But I just can't take it...

It's taking all of my willpower to stay away from u...

Everytime i see u...

I just feel like talking to u...

But...

Words won't come out...

I'm afraid that if i start to speak, tears will start running down my cheeks...

Now i'm just an empty shell...

With nothing...

But it seems that it's working out fine for u...

How long has it been?

Since u last text me?

If I didn't text u...

U wouldn't even think of texting me right?

Am i just another passer-by in ur life?

I had a dream about us...

It ended happily...

But it's just not possible right?

I thought we were close...

But guess it was my own one-sided thoughts...

I just don't have the strength to pull through anymore...

Suicide came across my mind countless times...

I ward it off by gaming...

But the effect is gradually wearing off...

Even if i were to disappear...

Would u even notice?

Would u cry for me?

I guess not...

After all i'm not sure if i even left a speck of dust in ur life...

Just know that u're my everything...

I love u more than anything and anyone...

Even God...

Once everything breaks...

I'll just keep a watch over u from above...

It's impossible after all...

We were 2 people from different worlds...

But...

I don't want to lose you...

You hurt me...

But when i wasn't with you...

It was very painful for me...

I love you...

You said okay when i said let's keep everything like it was...

But it was a lie is it not?

I know there will be a huge gap between us now...

It hurts...

There's a gaping hole left in my heart now...

Only you can fill this hole...

If only I hadn't met u...

I probably wouldn't have to feel this painful...

This sad...

This sorrowful...

And my tears...

Probably wouldn't be overflowing like this...

However,

if i hadn't met u...

I wouldn't have been able...

To feel and experience happiness...

I wouldn't have been able to feel...

So dear...

So warm...

And so blessed...

But it's all over now...

Now...

I'll just continue to hold back my tears...

And look up at the sky...

I miss all the times we spent together...

Why do u have to do this to me?

Plain Insensitivity?

I decided to just be indifferent...

To everything...

To everyone...

It was ok to a certain extent i guess...

I had given up...

I simply don't care...

Apathy is my new lifestyle...

But...

There is just one person...

That won't fail to make me care...

Even though i told myself not to be affected...

I just cant help it...

She doesn't appreciate me...

As she told me...

Not to wait for her anymore...

And not to like her...

Don't she know?

How that hurts me so...

There's just a gaping hole left in my heart now...

The worst part is...

She still lets me stay by her side...

Not cutting ties with me...

And i fall for her all over again...

Just to be disappointed...

How many times had this cycle repeated?

I lost count...

No Love

Fuck everything...

I'm just stuck here...

Lost and muddled...

Watching my whole world crumble right in front of my eyes...

Not being able to do anything...

She doesn't recognize all the effort and time i spent for her...

Even though i try so hard...

She doesn't want me to wait for her anymore...

I must seem irritating to her...

Even though she denies it...

It's over...

Maybe i should just end my misery too...

Along with this insignificant life...

That always experience nothing but pain...

I'm sick of it...

Too much pain...

Too little love...

Love and apathy

A shot pierced through me...

Was having an okay day in school...

When suddenly one of my classmates told me,"do u know that she likes another person already?"

I knew that...

But...

The words that he said carried a certain depth and a hidden meaning to me...

It took a while for them to sink into my mind...

When she first told me that she liked someone else,my mind was overing whether to believe her or not...

It's a convenient excuse for girls to turn down guys using that excuse...

In then end i slightly doubted that it was the case...

Since then,i've always thought that i'd still stand a somewhat slim chance...

If i worked harder, i might be able to move her heart...

But...

Today, everything's over...

My classmate asked her whether we're together since we're quite close...

And that was her answer...

She would never say this thing if she knew that my classmate would tell me about this...

My classmate isn't very close to me anymore...

So she'd know that we won't talk to each other much...

That has got to be why she told my classmate about this...

And...

Knowing her, her determination is quite short-lived...

She had a crush in the beginning of last year,but she pretty much got over him quickly...

But this time,it's been 4 months or more since she said she like another person...

This means that this time she's serious about it...

There's no room for me to intrude...

In the end i'm a loser...

A person she does not care about...

What am i to her?

A nuisance?

Is the reason she doesn't reject my approaches because of the pain she fear she'll inflict on me?

I don't even know anymore...

Why is the world always so unfair?

She's the only one i've been this serious about...

I really envy L and J...

There's no chance that u're reading this...

But if u are for some reason,please just tell me...

What am i to u?Am i just a substitute for that guy?

I love u...

I suddenly felt a strong urge to blog again...

This is more like for myself...

I've been totally lost these few days...

There're so many things going through my mind, and i don't know where i should release all these frustrations,sorrow and helplessness...

Thus the sudden urge for blogging i guess...

Well but i don't really care if anyone sees this or not...

Everything has just gone too complicated for me to even care whether anyone see these private details of my life that i had been keeping secret...

Sigh...

Most of my sorrow and frustration comes from her...

Ironically, she's the one who's always able to make me feel better and smile...

Those happen when she's being nice to me...

But,more often than not,she's just oblivious to me...

I'm like an existence that's totally invisible to her...

She doesn't text me,she doesn't look for me...

And when i look for her,hoping just to spend a little bit of time with her,she refuses...

I'm tired of everything...

It's like all of my efforts for her in this past one year has been for nothing...

If anything,it's like the gap between us is slowly widening...

I hate everything...

I hate myself for not being able to do anything about it...

I hate myself for being so useless,for not being able to take the right steps to go after her...

Most of all, i hate myself for still loving her,even after her apathy towards me...

I really don't know what to do...

All the attempts i made are futile...

When i text her with things that i took forever to come up with to keep the conversation going,she'd just reply with few words...

When i said i'd wait for her after school,she insists that there's no need for me to do that...

The worst blow was when she went to buy a present for her father...

She asked our friends to go with her,while me,who had been waiting for her to end lessons for 1 and a half our,was left out...

She didnt tell me the details,only saying that she was going to buy a present for her father...

I naturally thought that she was going with her brother and/or mother...

The next day when i went to school, my friend told me that she asked him and some friends out to accompany her to buy the present...

I wasn't invited...

I thought we were close...

But it proves that all along,it's just a delusion created by my mind...

It hurts...

Why??

All I did was for her...

This was the first time i loved someone so much,to be willing to sacrifice everything that i have for her...

But in the end, all was for naught...

She told me a long time ago...

Dun hope for too much...

I'd be lying if i say that i didn't expect anything from her...

But the only thing i want is to spend time with her...

To see her smiles...

I'm feeling so helpless now...

If only miracles do happen...

If only fairy tales endings exist for me...

Why won't she come to understand the fact that she's my whole world?

Sigh...

Whatever...

In the end, it's what she wants that's important...

Whatever makes her happy is whatever i will do...

Even if it for me to stay away from her...

Even though it hurts,

It doesn't look like I've got a choice...

She's the most important person in my life, and her happiness is what matters the most for me...

I'll just be her shadow,protecting her...

Hoping that one day,she'll come to notice that where there's light, there's shadow...

The other reason for my sorrow was this friend of mine...

He was supposed to be a guy whom i could trust...

I always knew that he wasn't the kind of person to really share his life...

And he's the type of guy who always have this "I don't care attitude"

But he'd always listen to my story...

That day though he gave me this impression that i was a nuisance to him...

That all along,he didn't want me to bother him...

It really pierced through me...

And he was actually talking about something with another friend of mine...

When i asked him "what are u guys talking about?"

He said "nothing"

They carried on with the conversation after i left...

Sigh...

What am i to him?

Sigh...

I think i really do trust people too easily...

Always trying to find their brighter side...

Despite all the disappointments i faced before...

I still haven't learnt my lesson have I?

Well whatever...

I'm just too tired...

Of everything...