Another prove of my uselessness

Hahahahahahahahahaha....

YEAH!!!

I SUCK BIG TIME...

I'm just a fucking loser who cant do anything right...

The next important thing in my life after her...

Table tennis...

Has been taken away from me as well...

Played with Hwa Chong and JJ today...

Hwa Chong really expected to lose...

Nothing much to say...

But JJ...

Arthur and Fenghuan won...

If Nigel and i won...

we would have won JJ....

But i just have to screw up...

Like how i do everythime...

I'm just so fucked up...

What did i spend those long hours training for?

Even going for extra training in bukit gombak every saturday at 8.30 AM

It was so fucking close...

Why do i have to be so impatient???

I fucking screwed up the whole team...

It's all because of me that we lost...

I let down myself and the school...

I'm a fucking disgrace...

I should have known that anything i do will only result in another failure...

I shouldn't have tried at all...

I should have joined another cca in the first place...

Hahaha...

I'm really a sucker...

What can i do?

Nothing...

I cant even be of use to u...

And i cant achieve my own targets in table tennis...

Fuck it all...

Then what's the use of my existence now?

When i have failed 2 of my most important things?

I'm just so weak...

And worthless...

I guess there's not much value in both me and my life...

I wanted to be at least something to u...

Cause u're the only one makes me feel alive...

U actually made me feel like, "hey, there's someone who actually cares about me."

So i wanted to be of importance to u...

But...

This isn't the case now right?

What's my worth?

When I'm not even worth something to my everything?

What's my value in life?

To help people?

Well yea i do want to help people like me...

To prevent them from being like me...

Maybe that way i'll at least feel some relieve...

But how can i do that if i cant even help myself?

And I'd rather not be everything to everyone...

I'd prefer being something to u...

It's so damn hard...

To coordinate my actions to be contradictory to what i feel...

I'm pretty much skilled at it...

Used it so much so that it's become a habit...

But it's still hard no matter what...

Didnt feel like going out today...

But still went...

In the end also didn't really do anything much...

Sigh...

I cant help but think of u...

I want those moments back...

I came across this phrase...

"It's not possible for guys and girls to be good friends.The attraction will always get in the way."

I didn't believe that...

Until now...

Last year, when people teased us,I'd just dismiss them saying we're just good friends...

And that was what i really thought back then...

I suddenly remembered this phrase...

But in this case it's just not mere attraction...

It's grown out of control...

This silence...

This distance...

It's hurting me...

I cant even begin to explain how...

It's like we're strangers...

And i hate this...

"It's better to have loved and lost than not to love at all"

"Love helps us to gain and grow, even if u lose it"

Was reading chicken soup for the soul:teenagers' talk while waiting in popular...

Came across these 2 phrases...

It sounds quite true to me...

When u came into my life...

U gave me hope...

I opened up to u...

I told u things related to me that I have never told anyone else...

U helped me to trust others again...

Sadly...

Good things have to come to an end...

When u're doing this to me...

U take away all that i've gained too...

This pain is inexplicable...

Please dont torture me anymore...

I just want to spend time with u...

What a big fool i am...

When u sent me that blank msg...

And didn't reply me...

I seriously thought u were in some kind of trouble...

I was panicking...

I really hoped that nothing happened...

But turns out i'm just too paranoid...

U probably just accidentally pressed the wrong button...

And u didn't reply me cos I'm just a waste of ur time...

Right?

It's so hard to suppress these tears...

Maybe i should really let go of everything...

Leave all the sufferings behind...

And who knows...

Maybe heaven is really that place where u can just live in peace for the rest of eternity...

Or maybe hell is not that bad too...

Maybe the physical and spiritual pain will numb all these psychological pain...

I really should end everything...

Shouldn't I?

After all i'm not even worth something to u,who's my everything...

So why should I bother with life anymore?

Would u even stop me if I said I'm leaving for real?

Would u believe me?

Would u even care?

Would u even listen to me?

Unanswerable questions running through my head...

Inexplicable feelings...

Countless 'what if's and 'if only's...

Yeah...

If only i have the answer to everything...

Haha...

Block test ended...

I should be happy...

But I'm not in the least bit...

Feeling empty and dejected...

At least the pressure from block test diverted some of my attention away...

Sure I'd stone every so often...

But at least i don't have to feel this way...

What's the purpose of life actually?

To suffer?

I'm sure not?

I'd think it's a journey to find happiness?

But through what?Study well,get into uni,get a job and that's it?

Well that works for some people and i don't condone their way of thinking...

To each his own...

But it doesn't work for me...

Material well-being doesn't really mean anything to me...

My aim was u...

I could only feel bliss and true happiness when i'm with u...

And only then can i get to do other things...

But it's not possible now is it?

Looking at us now...

Did u purposely ignore me yesterday?

Or u simply don't care?

I don't know what to do anymore...

I'm losing my sanity...

A break would be just what i need...

But...

Still have to endure for one more week...

Before block tests are over...

Heard that there will be a parents' meet...

Fuck...

If i'd heard that earlier i would have prepared for block tests...

And after that...

Intensive training...

For A division...

Right after that...

Back to the books...

Will everything end?

I'm barely holding on to my consciousness...

Held together by a thin thread...

By u...

But it's breaking...

This thread can barely support the weight of my feelings...

I just want to disappear...

But this question pops out...

"Will u be able to live happily even if i die?"

Well i guess the answer to that is pretty much a yes...

I don't mean much to u...

But then again...

What i'm worried about is u...

Not how u'll live without me...

Everything's unpredictable...

So u might encounter "pleasant" surprises here and there...

And when it's big...

Can u handle it?

I just wanna be there for u when it happens...

But i wont be able to do so if i disappear...

If only there is some way...

To completely erase my existence...

And my memory of myself...

So that it seems like no one called Albert Ardy Gunawan ever existed...

Feeling empty again...

I can't get anything done...

I'm hopeless...

I just wanna see u...

Sigh...

What will become of me?

Once u leave...

A nervous wreck?

A walking zombie?

Or ashes...

The remains of a combusted corpse...

Dead...

I've always thought that giving up was way too easy...

I had given up on everything...

Things...

Relationships with people...

Even myself...

But never have i known how hard it is to give up...

I would always give way to others...

Only now...

Can i really feel how difficult it is to let go...

It's kind of funny...

How i can give up on life...

Yet i can't give up on u...

No matter how hard i try...

I would always be back to square one...

Sigh...

Life is short...

Every moment we spend breathing...

There's a chance of us losing our lives...

And that's why...

I had to tell u my feelings...

My heart was beating fast...

I could feel my chest burning...

It's heavy...

I really fear that I'll completely lose u forever from my life...

But...

I don't wanna regret not saying a single thing...

I really care about u...

I will sacrifice anything for u...

That's why I even sacrificed my pride...

My hair...

Even knowing that it'll turn out freaky...

And I won't be mad at u...

Because it's u...

In the end I didn't manage to say everything...

I'm lying to u...

I'm sorry...

I told u i'll just be ur bro forever...

But i really hope u'll come to accept me one day...

Telling u that I'll remain as ur bro...

Is the only way that i can stay by ur side...

The bus ride home was the longest i've had from ur house...

Mixed feelings...

I was glad that i managed to tell u part of my feelings...

But...

A tinge of regret remains...

If only i wasn't such a coward...

If only i told u everything...

Sadness was overflowing...

U weren't moved at all...

Can't u even feel a tiny bit of my feelings for u?

It's painful...

I felt like crying...

But how can i do so in front of strangers and my family?

I won't give up...

Cause u're worth it...

U're worth everything i have...

These may make me seem sappy but...

Whatever...

A picture is worth a thousand words...

And there's no way to accurately describe these feelings that i have for u...

This is how i feel...

Questions without answers

Went to the lib with u today...

Was quite happy at first...

It was the first time...

After so long...

That i got to spend time with u again...

But the longer i spent there...

The more i dejected I was...

I felt so left out...

Are u purposely avoiding me?

I felt like a third party somehow...

I'm jealous...

I'm envious...

If only...

If only...

If only i could swap places...

Why????

I just cant help feeling lost and helpless...

I was in agony the whole while...

But i still had to keep my smiles up...

U were sitting right in front of me...

I just couldn't help but lok at u...

But the more i looked at u...

The more hurt i felt...

Those beautiful smile of urs...

Those laughters...

That i wanted so much to see...

Were there in front of me...

But i wasn't the one who made u laugh...

I wasn't the one who could make u smile...

And that...

Really pierced through my heart...

What i'd done for u...

Were they not enough?

Just to move ur heart in the slightest bit?

I...

Just what am i to u?

The Trinisette of Time...the Past,the Present and the Future

Sometimes i'm just so lost...

I dunno what to do...

Sometimes u seem concerned about me...

Like that day when u asked me why i was so agitated...

But at other times u can be so cold...

U replied my msges with shorts replies...

No smiley faces...

No hahas...

I just cant seem to figure out what u're thinking...

Do u care about me even in the slightest bit?

Even if it's not as much as i care about u...

If so then why do u treat me coldly?

I just want my halcyon days back...

Those days that i spent together with u...

Laughing...

Talking about nonsensical stuffs...

Without any barriers between us...

I have been thinking about u a lot...

Arthur said i look so distracted nowadays...

Although i did improve...

But I'm more inconsistent as compared to before...

He said he thinks it's because of u...

Maybe he's right...

I just cant seem to let u go...

But...

It's also thanks to u that i'm here today...

If it weren't for u...

The past one year would have been hell...

No joy...

No contentment...

No peace of mind...

Nothing at all...

I wouldn't know what is warmth...

In this degrading and rotten world,

U were my source of strength...

My encouragement...

The one who always pulled me through the worst times...

Without u,i wouldn't have made it to J2...

I wouldn't be so sociable...

U took away my prejudice against people...

And planted trust in its place...

U were and still are...

My everything...

If only u would become that special someone for me...

Somehow it's kind of ironic...

U, who gave me strength...

Would also be the one to sap it away...

I stone a lot nowadays...

Just thinking about all the stuffs that happened...

That's the only way i can manage to feel happy now...

To feel alive...

To tell myself that everything that happened wasn't a dream...

It was real...

Every bit of it...

And I have to keep these memories alive...

For they were the greatest moments in my whole pathetic life...

Today's white day...

Haven't given u a chocolate yet...

Wonder if u'll accept a chocolate from me...

Sigh...

If u accept me...

Then that's the greatest wish I can ever receive...

I really hope that it can come true...

Many a times i thought about what would happen if u give me chance...

I know that i'm certainly not perfect...

In fact...

I'm far from it...

There's too much weaknesses in me...

I'm short...

Fat...

Weak...

Not sociable...

Emo...

And much much more...

But...

Despite all that...

U still came into my life...

U didn't shun me...

U didnt ostracize me...

If u were to accept me...

I will give u the best of me...

I really really mean it...

For there's nothing more that have a greater significance in my life as compared to u...

If only u'd notice me more...

Think of me a little bit more...

Take note of my feelings for u...

And as i wrote this...

Tears are welling up in my eyes...

Thinking of the our past...

Our present...

And what the future may hold...

If only u can read this...

Will u change ur mind knowing how much u mean to me?

Will u give me a chance?

Stupid Assumptions

S.T.O.P

F.U.C.K.I.N.G

B.O.T.H.E.R.I.N.G

M.E

A.L.R.E.A.D.Y

GO PLAY UR FUCKING GUITAR SOMEWHERE ELSE

GO AND FUCKING NAG SOMEWHERE ELSE

And why do people always assume what's best for me?

"Oh,study and get to Uni then can go find good job"

"Just do this,this,this and this and u'll get through"

"Forget about her"

Do u all even stop to pause and consider what i need the most now?

And the worst one

"Dont like me. I dont want u to waste ur time on me."

Do u know how much it hurts to hear that again and again?

I really love u...

I just cant forget u...

Okay, I know that u will never return my feelings...

But...

Don't tell me what I have to do and what's best for me...

Cause the best thing that's ever happened to me is u...

And u're what i want...

Even if u wont return my feelings...

So don't tell me to forget u...

Or maybe u just want me to disappear?

Erase every single trace that I've made in ur life?

What's the point in achieving what u all want for me,but not what i truly want and end up getting shattered in the process?

Denial...

"How can u ask if i love u? Look at all that I've done with u. If it's not love, then what is?"

-Sarah, from Mitch Albom's "Have a Little Faith"

I miss u...

All the times we spent together...

All the laughter we shared...

The frustrations...

The tears i shed over u...

The long talks...

There was never a dull moment when u're around...

My pain, they all seem to disappear when u're there...

My sorrows turn into joy when i see u...

U accepted me for what i was...

I...

Really can't bear being apart from u...

When i'm not with u...

It's very painful for me...

If only I can find someway...somehow...to get these feelings across to u...

If only I can make u realise how much u mean to me...

I don't want u to be unhappy...

And if that unhappiness is caused by being with me, then i will keep on staying away,keeping my distance as what I'm doing now...

But deep down,I still hope that u can give me a chance...

Ultimately,all i want is for u to be happy...

Even if i have to sacrifice everything...

Efforts...

Perseverance...

My smiles...

My laughter...

My self-worth...

My self-esteem...

My confidence...

My everything...

There's nothing I won't do for u just so that i can see those beautiful smiles of yours...

Isn't all these what love is about?

Sacrificing at the cost of myself...

Putting u in front of everything else...

Maybe I'm still not perfect...

I can't love you without expecting returns...

But I do want u to be happy...

I try my hardest to make u happy...

Even if it's killing me inside...

Can u deny me?

Can u deny my feelings?

Can u deny that all that I've done and what I will and can do for u is not a form of love?

I'm not a perfect person...

Far away from perfect...

But I will try my best to change for the better for you...

Please don't disappear from my life...

Look at all that I've done and what i will and can do for u...

If it's not love, then what would u call it?

Fuck...

Too angry until I fucking vomitted out all my dinner...

Seriously, everyone should fucking take a self-check and stop fucking pissing me off...

If not,I wont say sorry if i happen to vomit onto them...

Burn,Anger,Burn

Fuck everyone...

Fuck everything...

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....

So damn fucking pissed off at the world...

Is there really no one out there who will acknowledge me?

Why do everything i do seem to get criticized?

Fuck...

I just cant seem to explain this burst of anger...

This rage...

Just fucking pissed off at everything...

Don't fucking irritate me and I wont fucking kill u...

Sons and daughters of bitches and bastards...

Just fuck off...

GTFO if u have nothing better to do than to ostracize me...

One major fucking source of this fury:

The BLOODY MOTHERFUCKING EUNUCH/TRANNY/GAY

FUCK YOU!

DONT COME TO ME AND FUCKING ACT LIKE U'RE FUCKING INNOCENT U HOMO...

DONT FUCKING TRY TO PIN THE BLAME ON ME U BLOODY MENTALLY RETARDED FUCKER...

FUCK...

He just fucking spoilt my whole already fucked up day...

FUCK MY PERFECT BASTARD BRO TOO

FUCK EVERYDAY PLAY GUITAR LIKE SOME KIND OF FREAK

THINK HE SO FUCKING GOOD

U PLAY LIKE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BITCH...

AND METAL?

GO FUCK URSELF...

IT'S FOR MEnTALly retarded fuckers...

JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY...

DONT FUCKING STEP INTO MY COMFORT ZONE ASSHOLES...

I'VE FUCKING TOLERATED U ALL SO MUCH...

AND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURN?

MORE FUCKING DISTURBANCE...

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

If live gives u lemons, make lemonade.

WELL HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO SO WITHOUT EQUIPMENTS,MR FUCKING KNOW-IT-ALL?