Sighs

Time for me to whine again...

This feeling just wont go away...

This bloody sorrow...

Yeah,managed to keep myself laughing in school...

But...

How long will i last?

With every passing day...

It gets harder to keep that smile on my face...

It's fading...

And no one noticed that tinge of sadness...

Guess everyone's just too busy with studies...

Or maybe they don't even care...

Or maybe they don't even notice cause i'm insignificant...

The only company i have...

Is my shadow...

I'm going crazy...

I hate everything...

U're affecting me way too much...

I see everyone starting to change...

Even those who usually slack...

They're starting to pick up and catch up...

And i'm left behind...

I want to start...

But u're invading my mind constantly...

Can't focus...

Even though i realise that i'm still ignorant and that i don't understand stuffs...

Where did that sense of fear and urgency in me went off to?

When u've seen the worst side of people and life,

Nothing scares u anymore ~ Albert Ardy Gunawan

Life is ugly...

No one cares...

I'm just really so sick of this

Tell me someone

What should i do?

But guess i have no one to turn to...

Everyone's too busy with their own lives

Yes, to them i'm nth more than an insignificant speck of dust

I'm tired

I really felt like slashing my wrist

But i resisted

Yeah call me a coward if u will

A coward who only talks about empty suicide

I do have a good reason to cling on to

And if u want to ostracise me,pls,go ahead

By all means

I dont have to explain to u what my reasons are for clinging on

Guess the only person i can depend on for me to pull through is me again

It's getting unbearably lonely...

How many more times do u want to be unfair to me,o life?

How many more times do i have to feel like this?

Seriously fuck this

And just when i got the studying momentum

Sigh...

What do i lack?

Height?

Slimness?

Happy looks?

Apathy?

When i asked u out,to study,not even play...

U refused me outrightly...

And now...

Melvin/ Melvin&Thomas asked u out...

U agreed...

To play nevertheless...

Really...

Just..

What am I?

A toy?

Now that u've outgrown playing with me u throw me away...

Really...

Do u know how much i wanted to hang out with u?

Yet u didnt grant me that chance...

U cast me away...

Do u know how much it hurts just watching and standing idly by while i'm trapped by helplessness?

There's just too many things that i cant even begin to express in words...

Hate.

Jealousy.

Rage.

Sorrow.

Everything's coming together.

I really ought to die...

I tell myself to not think of u but yet i keep reminding myself of the memories we shared at every chance i have...

Everything they all talk about i could somehow find a way to relate it to u...

Well i seriously miss u...

Ur laughter...

The weird things u do...

And every aspect of u...

Even ur unpredictability...

That i couldn't quite figure out...

Surprising me in unimaginable ways...

Like how u'd just ask me out out of nowhere even when we havent been talking for so long...

So tell me...

Was that msg one of ur unpredictabilities?

Cos i'm still holding on to that tiny bit of hope...

Hoping that maybe it was actually u who sent the msg...

But...

If it was just my wishful thinking...

Then just tell me so too...

Deal me the finishing blow...

Don't leave me hanging...

My arms are tired of only waiting to let go...

Feeling really crappy today...

It's affecting me in so many different ways...

I don't know what to feel...

I'm pissed at whoever sent that msg...

I'm sad cause it wasn't true...

I'm disappointed at myself for being dumb for believing that msg...

I'm hopeful,wishing that it will come true...

And many more emotions...

In short...

I'm confused...

And it's really taking a toll on my attention...

I feel like screaming...

To let it all out...

But where can i find a place that will allow me to scream alone?

I feel like punching someone or something...

But where can i find a non-innocent target?

I feel like dying...

This one is self explanatory isn't it?

Living is too painful...

I'm really stupid beyond help

Of course u wouldn't even dream of sending me that kind of msg

Look at me

I'm...

NOTHING...

But still...

I fell for it...

A glimmer of hope or so i thought...

I couldn't help but feel excited at the possibility that it may be true...

That maybe...

U realised how important i was...

But yeah...

In the end i was too foolish..

It was a msg someone else sent using ur phone...

And look at how jumpy it got me...

Now i just feel dumb...

And sucky...

It feels like a dagger is being plunged deep into my heart...

I teared...

Sighs...

Maybe I'm stupid enough to not know when to give up, too dumb to let go, but I'm not foolish enough to not know that I love u