This is more like for myself...
I've been totally lost these few days...
There're so many things going through my mind, and i don't know where i should release all these frustrations,sorrow and helplessness...
Thus the sudden urge for blogging i guess...
Well but i don't really care if anyone sees this or not...
Everything has just gone too complicated for me to even care whether anyone see these private details of my life that i had been keeping secret...
Sigh...
Most of my sorrow and frustration comes from her...
Ironically, she's the one who's always able to make me feel better and smile...
Those happen when she's being nice to me...
But,more often than not,she's just oblivious to me...
I'm like an existence that's totally invisible to her...
She doesn't text me,she doesn't look for me...
And when i look for her,hoping just to spend a little bit of time with her,she refuses...
I'm tired of everything...
It's like all of my efforts for her in this past one year has been for nothing...
If anything,it's like the gap between us is slowly widening...
I hate everything...
I hate myself for not being able to do anything about it...
I hate myself for being so useless,for not being able to take the right steps to go after her...
Most of all, i hate myself for still loving her,even after her apathy towards me...
I really don't know what to do...
All the attempts i made are futile...
When i text her with things that i took forever to come up with to keep the conversation going,she'd just reply with few words...
When i said i'd wait for her after school,she insists that there's no need for me to do that...
The worst blow was when she went to buy a present for her father...
She asked our friends to go with her,while me,who had been waiting for her to end lessons for 1 and a half our,was left out...
She didnt tell me the details,only saying that she was going to buy a present for her father...
I naturally thought that she was going with her brother and/or mother...
The next day when i went to school, my friend told me that she asked him and some friends out to accompany her to buy the present...
I wasn't invited...
I thought we were close...
But it proves that all along,it's just a delusion created by my mind...
It hurts...
Why??
All I did was for her...
This was the first time i loved someone so much,to be willing to sacrifice everything that i have for her...
But in the end, all was for naught...
She told me a long time ago...
Dun hope for too much...
I'd be lying if i say that i didn't expect anything from her...
But the only thing i want is to spend time with her...
To see her smiles...
I'm feeling so helpless now...
If only miracles do happen...
If only fairy tales endings exist for me...
Why won't she come to understand the fact that she's my whole world?
Sigh...
Whatever...
In the end, it's what she wants that's important...
Whatever makes her happy is whatever i will do...
Even if it for me to stay away from her...
Even though it hurts,
It doesn't look like I've got a choice...
She's the most important person in my life, and her happiness is what matters the most for me...
I'll just be her shadow,protecting her...
Hoping that one day,she'll come to notice that where there's light, there's shadow...
The other reason for my sorrow was this friend of mine...
He was supposed to be a guy whom i could trust...
I always knew that he wasn't the kind of person to really share his life...
And he's the type of guy who always have this "I don't care attitude"
But he'd always listen to my story...
That day though he gave me this impression that i was a nuisance to him...
That all along,he didn't want me to bother him...
It really pierced through me...
And he was actually talking about something with another friend of mine...
When i asked him "what are u guys talking about?"
He said "nothing"
They carried on with the conversation after i left...
Sigh...
What am i to him?
Sigh...
I think i really do trust people too easily...
Always trying to find their brighter side...
Despite all the disappointments i faced before...
I still haven't learnt my lesson have I?
Well whatever...
I'm just too tired...
Of everything...
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